The Net Dog Blog

Why I'm So Sleepy Today.

2007-06-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

I am so sleepy this morning. This is not an unusual thing for me but this morning I have a good excuse.

Last night I couldn't stand to spend another sleepless night in that stuffy bedroom so around 12:30 AM I decided to break out the little window unit.

I get out of bed, pull the chain on the ceiling fan light, and ... nothing. No light. What the hell is going on? Maybe the bulbs need changing.
Luckily I cleaned out a drawer in the kitchen earlier this week so I remembered that I did indeed have the light bulbs to fit this fixture. Never having changed the bulbs in this particular ceiling fan before I didn't know what an ordeal it was going to be. Apparently you have to be a contortionist to change those bulbs. I thought about removing the glass cover but it was bolted on there but good and I didn't feel like going to the basement to get my tools. (Yes, I have tools!). After about 20 minutes I finally got the last bulbs in and pulled the chain. Still nothing. By this time I was hot and sweaty and pissed off. Ugh. I'll deal with the light tomorrow. Just get the AC unit in the window and go to bed.
I opened the panel in the wall of the bathroom which led to crawl space where the window unit has been stored since winter. After a bit of a struggle, the unit was securely in place and the room was filling with cold air.
It was after 1 AM at this point so I decided to lock the cats out so I could get some undisturbed sleep. Which is exactly what I did ... until 7 AM when I hear Henry (my fat cat) crying outside the door. It was a constant "Raow. Raow. Raow. Raow. Raow. Raow."

UGH! "SHUT UP, HENRY!" I shouted. God, he can't be that hungry. "Raow. Raow. Raow. Raow. Raow. Raow." I got out of bed and threw open the door. No Henry. Just Jake sitting there quietly.
Then it hits me.
THAT FUCKING CAT GOT INTO THE CRAWL SPACE!
Sure enough, I opened the panel and out flies Henry. Filthy, dirty Henry.
After my shower, I see him lying there covered in dirt and I just know he is gonna get that everywhere. I only have one option.
I filled the bathtub and tossed him him. He howled like a banshee and hissed and thrashed around like Baptist snake handler until I figure that most of the dirt has washed off.
I dried him off as best I can but Henry just wanted to go to a corner and lick himself.
(By the way, that picture is not of Henry. I just wanted you to have an image of a very unhappy wet cat.)
Oh well, time to get dressed and go to work. Temporarily forgetting last night's kerfuffle, I walked back into the bedroom and pulled the chain on the ceiling fan light. Bingo! For whatever reason the light is working now. I'm never pulling that chain again.
And that's why I'm so sleepy today.

I Think This Says It Best ...

2007-05-25T09:41:00.001-05:00

I Who Have Nothing

2007-05-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

As far as Idol contestants go, I definitely am rooting for Melinda, but when Jordan sings this song she breaks my heart. (By the way, the lyrics below are from Shirley Bassey's version.)

I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you and want you so
I'm just a no one, with nothing to give you but oh
I love you

You, you buy her diamonds
Bright, sparkling diamonds
But believe me, dear, when I say
That she can give you the world
But she'll never love you the way
I love you

You can take her any place she wants
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window pane

I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Must watch you, go dancing by
Wrapped in the arms of somebody else
Darling it is I

Who loves you

I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend

2007-05-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch baby
I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

You take it casually, baby it's killing me
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend
I don't want to be your friend

Don't call me
Don't come around
And I don't wanna be your friend

--- Diane Warren

i carry your heart with me

2007-05-03T22:13:00.000-05:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

2007-01-11T09:08:00.000-05:00

Please forgive me for not updating my blog since October. A lot has happened to me and, honestly, I just didn't feel like airing my dirty laundry on the web for all the world to see.

Long story short, I left London and am back home in Louisville. That's all you need to know.

I will say this and then I'll shut up about it ... I have no regrets about going to London. I got to do things and meet great people (God, I miss them!) that I wouldn't have been able to if I'd have stayed in Louisville. It was a wonderful opportunity.

Okay. With that said, I promise to blog more. I'm sure that I can find something interesting to write about in Louisville!

I was reading my good friend Allison's blog this morning and reading about her dog Pluto reminded me of something … I took Jake (my ginger cat) to the veterinarian last Friday to have his teeth cleaned. Apparently the vet in London said they were pretty bad so I figured I should take care of it. When I picked him up later that afternoon they told me that apparently he contracted a virus in London and his gums were very infected/inflamed. They had to remove 8 teeth! Poor thing! My friend David said he's The Bumble! P.S. It cost $400! Damn those cats are expensive. However, they are my babies and I'd give them one of my kidneys if they needed it. Anyway, he seems fine except for when I have to give him his antibiotics. I swear it's like wrestling a steer trying to squirt 2 droppers full of that pink crap into his mouth!

Ok maybe that wasn't very interesting but it's a start.

The Scariest Thing I've Ever Seen

2006-10-06T09:57:00.000-05:00

I went to a private Christian school from 4th grade until about halfway through my Junior year when I was forced to drop my beloved Art class for yet another Bible class. There were seven of us who were going to vocational school for the first half the the day which kept us from taking Bible. I guess the faculty sat around and decided that the seven of us needed Bible class the most and rearranged the schedules for the entire class so that Bible would be taught in the afternoon... forcing us all to attend. It was pretty crazy. I mean we even had Blair (The Facts of Life's own Lisa Whelchel) with her ventriloquits dummy and some handicapped relative of Elvis visit us to spead the Word, but nothing was as crazy as this movie looks.
Kinda reminds me of the crazy Christian rantings of "God Warrior" Margarite from Trading Spouses last year.

Bonjour, Ya'll!

2006-09-04T16:49:00.000-05:00

Blake and I spent the last week on the French island of Ile de Re learning French. Our teacher was a lovely French woman named Claire. She immediately spoke to us in French and continued to do so, with few exeptions, for the remainder of the week. I was a little discouraged when I found myself struggling to comprehend what was being said but I got used to it for the most part.

It was exhausting! We met Claire every day at 9AM and stayed with her until at least 9PM. Most days we were with her until 10 or later. We bicycled to the nearby villages, shopped at the local markets, walked along the beach, and met several of Claires friends... all the while speaking (or trying to speak) French.

Although it was difficult I do feel like I walked away with a better understanding of French. I doubt I'll be carrying on any conversations with Jacques Chirac but I figure I can at least order lunch the next time I go to Paris.
Blake struggled with it more than I did. I am reminded of Phoebe from Friends trying to teach Joey how to speak French.

Phoebe: Repeat after me: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je de coop plow.
Phoebe: Let's try it again: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je de plee bloom.

If you thought it took Blake a long time to tell a story in English you should hear him try to tell one in French!

Honestly, though, I am really proud of Blake. It was obviously difficult for him but he kept trying.

I left today but Blake will continue with his lessons until Saturday. So if you think about it, you might want to send him a little note of encouragement.

Party! Party! Party!

2006-07-17T04:53:00.000-05:00

Well here I am (or rather what's left of me) after our housewarming party on Saturday night. It's Monday morning now and I think I still feel a little hungover. Pitiful. The party started well enough at 5 PM when our very good friends Phil and Scott showed up with presents... a pair of the cutest metal sculptures. Mine is a cat and Blake's is a chicken (no surprise there). Nothing like a little cock and pussy to get a party started I always say. Well, I don't always say that but I might just start now.

Blake, self-proclaimed Master of the Bar-B-Q, was at the grill russling up all sorts of vittles: chicken, ribs, shrimp... I swear if there was a possum around he would have cooked it as well. Phil also brought potato salad and Jason soon arrived with three different salads. I even whipped up a Derby Pasta Salad from a Kentucky cookbook, Spendor in the Bluegrass. Cute. Our other guests started arriving and it was shaping up to be a grand old party.
What follows next is all a blur. All I know is I went from one little innocent glass to wine to this ...

...and the next thing I know I've passed out in my own vomit like a bad 80s rock star. Can anyone say "Axl Rose"? Luckily the paparazzi wasn't there to capture that particular moment of glory.

Three hours later I awoke almost refreshed having missed the bulk of the party. However, it was still going strong and I managed to change shirts and continue with the boisterous merrymaking (albeit sans alcohol) for the next 3 hours or so.

First off, I would like to apologize again to anyone I may have offended or even vomited on in my rather drunken state. I'm afraid I've become Mary Jo Shively who once admitted there are two things she can only handle a small cup of ... liquor and breasts.

Secondly, I would like to thank everyone who showed up. I hope you had a wonderful time. I also hope that someone took lots of pictures so I can see what I missed while I was enjoying my mid-party siesta.

Until the next party ... ROCK ON!

The New Flat, Part Two

2006-07-06T07:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay. Last week my good friend Allen came to visit and I admit that I forgot to post the rest of the pictures of the flat. I'll shut up now and post the pictures.

Living Room

Patio

(The cats really like being able to come out here and lie around in the sun!)

... and Big Daddy's Famous Grill

The New Flat, Part One

2006-06-23T06:33:00.000-05:00

Welcome back! We finally goto our broadband up and running this morning so I thought I'd do a little catching up and show you the photos from our new fabulous flat. Just a quick tour.

Here is our hallway.

The Bedroom.

The Spare Room (AKA The Junk Room)

Bathroom

Dining Room

Kitchen

Apparently that's all I can add for now so I'll post the second part tomorrow (I hope).

See ya. :)

Watch This Space

2006-05-30T07:20:00.000-05:00

Well, we still don't have our broadband hooked up but we got our satellite last week (reruns of Frasier 24 hours a day! YAY!) and the phone was finally switched on yesterday. It takes forever to get anything done here! The phone company didn't seem phased in the slightest when we told them we would be without a phone for over a month. You gotta love red tape!
Oh well. 2 down and 1 to go. Right now I'm using a dial-up connection (shudder) and BT charges per minute so this won't be one of my usual long winded diatribes. I just didn't want you to think I've forgotten about my faithful readers.
Next week I head to the states for what will probably be the last trip home for a while where I will once again be without a proper internet connection, but I will try to write a little something.
TTFN.

Home Sweet Home Away From Home

2006-05-05T07:51:00.000-05:00

As many of you were tired of looking at that woman with Peeps pinned to her breasts, I figured I should post something new and let you know what I've been up to lately. Last weekend, Blake and I moved into a new flat. It is located between the Kennington and Oval Tube stations (which already seems like a major step up from Stockwell). The flat is a new development called The Yard and we are the first residential tenants. The landlord, who is a photographer, has a studio there as does a costume/handbag designer and a furniture designer.

The flat itself is located on the second floor (third floor for us Americans) and, boy, is it sweet. We have a spare bedroom (which for now is the junk room) and a balcony. Once we moved in Blake immediately went out and bought a grill and had people over for steaks and something he called chicken ribs. We have a pretty decent sized grocery store located right behind our little complex so it only takes about 2 minutes to walk there.

For the first time since moving here almost a year ago I actually feel comfortable.

I meant to take a few pictures to post but I wanted everything to be in place so keep watching this space. In the meantime, here is the picture from the website. It shows our spacious kitchen/living room area and out those french doors is the balcony. I just love it!

The Greatest Story Ever Told (AKA The Passion of the Peeps)

2006-04-14T06:16:00.000-05:00

Since Easter is right around the corner (or down the bunny trail if you will), I thought I would share my thoughts about the true meaning of the holiday: Peeps. Some of you out there my have no idea what a Peep is. According to Wikipedia (whatever did we do before Wikipedia???), "Peeps are small marshmallow candies, sold in the U.S.A., which are shaped into baby chickens, rabbits, and other animals. Peeps are primarily used to fill Easter baskets. They are made from marshmallow, sugar, gelatin, and carnauba." I remember this one time my best friend Jim and I were in Big Lots and I saw him make a beeline to the Easter Candy. He picked up a little cellophane-wrapped package and said, almost Homer Simpson-like, "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps." Then he wiped the drool from his mouth. You see, Jim loves him some Peeps. Almost on a zen level.

Although maybe not as much as this lady:

Some people even like to cook with Peeps while some like to use them in scientific experiments.
You may be asking yourself "How did Peeps become associated with Easter?" I think this picture says it all:

Happy Easter Everyone!!!

For further information about Peeps, check your local library or just plain Google it. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!

Britain's Next Top Models, Part 2

2006-04-07T05:54:00.000-05:00

You may recall a couple of months ago I told a little photo shoot Blake and I did for UK.Gay.com. I never really understood what the article was going to be about and really didn't want to participate but Blake did (Blake wanting attention? NO!) so I agreed.

It was during the photo shoot that the word "bear" was thrown around. Now, Blake might be considered a bear but I wouldn't be under any definition of the word. I even said this to the little stylist-slash-reporter. Apparently, he figured that anyone who went to XXL must be a bear which was evident from the photos of his other models.
Anyway, I told you that I would let you know when the article came out so here it is. Just one thing ... it's not an article. It's a fucking picture poll! It's a fucking picture poll of beautiful bears and their admirers! I definitly would not have participated had I know that I was going to be judged in a Hot or Not style poll. I don't have the self-esteem for that mess.

So go ahead, have a look. I'll wait ...

Don't I look like a corpse? You'd think that makeup girl would have used a little spray tan on me or something! I swear to god I think they told her to make me look a good decade older than I am.

Now I'll never be a teen model!

Where In The World Is The Net Dog?

2006-03-31T05:27:00.000-05:00

It seems that once again I have neglected my faithful readers. Bad blogger. Bad! Bad! Bad!
Seeing as how I didn't do too much writing while I was back home in Louisville I figured I would take this time to play a little catch up.
As many of you know, I left a few days earlier than Blake. This gave me the opportunity to hang out with my friend Jim before his big weeklong skiing trip to Telluride, Colorado. By the way, he really enjoyed his vacation and he is more than glad to share his pictures. Trust me. (I'm kidding, Jim. The photos were lovely!)
I also got to spend some quality time with my newly divorced friend, Jay. He was in very good spirits but I know that if he is ever down all I have to do is say the words "button on a fur coat" and he will smile. Unfortunately I can't share with the rest of you what that means because if you knew you'd let out a little pee.
Blake finally arrived a day later than planned due to a little fender-bender involving a moving van and the taxi taking him to the airport. He wasn't injured but it did cause him to miss my birthday dinner at Karma Cafe. See how I can always bring it back to me? As much as I missed him at the dinner, he more than made up for it with my birthday present. Get your minds out of the gutter! It was a Playstation Portable and a cute game to play on it called Death Jr. I also found a puzzle game for it for $9.99 at Best Buy called Frantix. This fulfilled my love for video games as well as my love for bargains!
Speaking of cheap video games, I also discovered a game for the PS2 that has been out forever and now it's only $19.99. It's called Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus. I was hoping since it was rated "E" for Everybody I would be able to play it without resorting to cheats. Boy, was I wrong! Since I didn't have my trusty Gameshark with me, I wasn't able to rely on cheat codes so I made Blake and John do the hard parts for me. Together we finished the game in a little over a week. I said I loved video games. I didn't say I was very good at them.

Most the the week Blake was with me was spent preparing the house for his sister's visit. Cleaning, shampooing rugs, making minor repairs. Fun, Fun, Fun. In the end, though, the house looked great and I finally got to meet his sister. She was adorable and so much fun! We had a great time and drank way too much liquor. Isn't that always the way?

Anyway the rest of the trip was a blur of numerous Target visits and so much Chinese food that my eyes were beginning to slant. Ahhhh... it was good to be home.

Failure to Launch

2006-03-10T18:23:00.000-05:00

Greetings from America! That's right, boys and girls, I have returned to the motherland for a little vacation. Since Blake won't be joining me for another day, I figured I'd take advantage of the situation to do something he would never do with me... go see a chick flick. I decided to see the newest Matthew McConaughey film, Failure to Launch, with my good friend Allen (Miss Aqua if you're nasty ... and most of you are I think). Now many of you know that I have a not-so-secret celebrity crush on Mr. McConaughey. It's not just his looks that makes me a little moist, it's his voice. That sexy Texas drawl. Mmmmmmmmm...
Er, anyway, enough about that. Let's talk about the film. The movie was an entertaining retelling of several romcoms. The age old story of Girl is hired to go out with Boy, Boy falls for Girl, Girl Falls for Boy, Boy finds out Girl was hired to go out with him, Boy gets pissed, Girl says she's sorry, Boy forgives Girl, Boy and Girl swim with dolphins. Basically trade out that insipid Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days for Sarah Jessica Parker and you have the same movie. However, I have to say that any movie where Matthew McConaughey takes his shirt off and Kathy Bates leaves hers on is aces in my book.
Sarah Jessica Parker was pretty much playing Carrie Bradshaw with better outfits. I realize I don't know anything about fashion but, come on. Some of those outfits she wore on Sex and the City looked like something a person who was burned out of her home might throw together from the lost and found boxes at a homeless shelter. And what's with sister's makeup? Girl likes her some dark mascara and blush. I swear it looks like she puts her makeup on with a shotgun.
The rest of the cast was filled out by Matthew's parents played by Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw. Why oh why did the only naked butt we saw in this movie have to belong to Terry Bradshaw? Mama, why?!? I just thank my lucky stars there was no hot tub for Kathy Bates to pop up out of. I'm already scarred for life after seeing About Schmidt! Both Sarah and Matthew had some some quirky friends and, needless to say, nobody ended up alone at the end of the movie.

Anyway, this wasn't the greatest movie ever made but it was definitely a nice distraction and, since we had an hour and a half wait between lunch and the 2:25 showing, I got to fit another Target visit in. Matthew McConaughey and Target in one day. Life is good.

Everything Is Big In Texas

2006-03-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

Last night was Blake's birthday (sorta) and we wanted to go somewhere different for dinner. At first Blake wanted to go to our old standby Bodean's but, fortunately, some of his work colleagues suggested another place: Texas Embassy Cantina.
Why hadn't we discovered this place before now?!?
As soon as we stepped through the doors we felt like we had gone home... well, the Don Pablo's on Highway 131 in Jeffersonville anyway. You won't find any sissy British lagers on tap here. It's Bud and Corona, baby. And you can't smoke in the dining room, which I love. And they played some kind of Learning Spanish tape in the bathrooms which was much better than the endless loop of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony remixes that one might normally hear in your average Tex-Mex eatery. The best part was all the funny Texas bumper stickers which adorned almost every square inch of the place like "Kinky Friedman for Governor". Blake's favorite stated "Texas: It's Bigger Than France". There was a hot bartender who had the biggest arms I've ever seen in my life. We think he was Italian.
After an assortment of starters which included chicken quesadillas, fried jalapenos, and the Texas Rose (which we Americans might call a Bloomin Onion or an Awesome Blossom), we had a round of girly drinks with names like Texas Twister, Texas Pink Gin, Coco's Martini, and Woo Woo. I had a Pina Colada which wasn't on the menu but they managed to whip up for me anyway.
For dinner I had El Rancho Tejano which was a "pork steak marinated in Dr Pepper, mesquite grilled, served with piquant apple salsa served with ranch mashed potatoes." It was as tasty as it sounds. I mean how can you go wrong with anything marinated in Dr. Pepper? Of course, Blake had to get the biggest piece of meat on the menu. Specifically that would be the "Bigger than Dallas" T-Bone Steak, "a 22oz. T-Bone steak served on a bed of sizzling onions with french fries and deep fried onion rings." It was huge! I can't believe he ate the whole thing. Oh who am I kidding? Of course he did. Big Daddy loves his beef.
Anyway, we will definitely be going back. I mean Texas has a whorehouse in it but London has Texas Embassy Cantina.

"I laughed. I cried. It was better than CATS. I'd see it again and again."

2006-02-27T04:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Blake and I saw one of my favorite shows: STOMP! While this was the fourth time I had seen the show, Blake was a STOMP virgin. I don't think he was as excited as I was to see it but I knew that once he saw it he would love it.
I ordered our tickets through Lastminute.com as part of a dinner and a show package. I love using Lastminute.com except for one thing: you don't get to pick where your seats are. I assume they just assign you the best seats available in your price range. Normally this isn't an issue. We typically buy the most expensive seats and have never been disappointed. This time, however, I was distracted like a magpie to a shiny object by the Dinner & show from £19.95. So I booked two tickets for the Sunday matinee which included lunch at Fire & Stone. I wanted to see STOMP anyway and I figured this was basically like getting a free meal.
According to the ad, "Fire & Stone takes Pizza to an exciting new level offering wood-fired, stone-baked pizzas, made from entirely fresh ingredients." Blake took one bite into his pizza and said "This is made with frozen crust." My pizza, while tasty, was lukewarm at best; however, my Rocket and Parmesan salad with a balsamic dressing was very good. Of course, how hard is it to throw some arugula and Parmesan cheese in a bowl and sprinkle it with oil and vinegar?
Anyway, on with the show. STOMP has resided at London's Vaudeville Theatre for the past four years give or take a few months. The Vaudeville isn't the largest theatre and I have to say I was a little disappointed when we hiked up to the top floor (the upper circle) and found our way to our seats. Suddenly I was reminded of my seats at the top row of the Kentucky Center for the Arts, affectionately referred to as "The Cloud Club". I'd like to pass on some sage advice. If you see STOMP at the Vaudeville Theatre, spend the extra money and get tickets in the dress circle. We were able to view about 95% of the show from where we were seated but we missed anything more than a few feet above the dancers. From the more expensive seats you will also most likely not be surrounded by children unwrapping candy every two minutes as we were.
Despite not being in the most ideal vantage point, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There haven't been many (if any) changes to the show since I saw it last, but it was very interesting to see this cast's interpretation.

It is difficult to explain to someone who has never seen STOMP what the show is about. It's rhythm, finding the music in everyday things... even the kitchen sink. It's also very funny. I mean how can you not laugh at people digging through the garbage to make music?

I can't wait to see it again ... and again.

Overeatin' and Underachievin'

2006-02-21T12:12:00.000-05:00

Today I started working out with a personal trainer. Before you think I've gone all 'la dee da' on you, you should know that it was a Christmas gift from Blake. I think he feels that if I feel better about my body then maybe I'll feel better about life in general. Maybe he's right. However, right now I feel like I'm gonna die.
Lord, you never realize how out of shape you are or how ineffective your current workout is until you've had a muscley little Arab trainer pushing you. After the first exercise my legs were jiggling like Jell-O. Mmmm Jell-O. Anyway, I swear he was getting me back for Abu Ghraib or something. I feel like that wimpy guy in the Charles Atlas ad. However I think it's gonna take more than 7 days to whip me into shape.
I'm also supposed to keep a diary this week of everything I eat or drink. I think that might have something to do with the fact that since I saw him for my free initial session a month ago I've only lost one pound and 1 percent of body fat. I think he knows my secret shame. Shhhh ... lean close and I'll tell you... I'm an eater. That's right! I love to eat. Ok, I know that's not really a big secret. I'm one of those people you see on Oprah who "lives to eat instead of eats to live." Oh well. At least I'm not on crack. Mmmmm crack.
Anyway, so now I'm so sore I'm not sure if I'll be able to type anymore. Talk amongst yourselves.

VD Revisited

2006-02-16T11:57:00.000-05:00

I thought you guys might like to take a gander at some of the photos we took on our little Valentine excursion. You can click them to make them bigger if you'd like.

Here comes the Valentine Express!

All Aboard!

"Is there anymore Champagne?"

Blake has an International Coffee Moment

Happy VD!!!

2006-02-15T04:09:00.000-05:00

Happy (Day After) Valentine's Day! I hope you all had a nice romantic day with your special someone. If you don't have a special someone I hope you took the time to play with yourself a bit.

Yesterday morning I thought I would surprise Blake with a nice Valentine's breakfast. I made pancakes (using the Bisquick that we brought over on our last visit home), sausages, strawberries, and mimosas using real champagne (not that cheap Ballatore I usually drink). Yummy!

In the afternoon Blake took me for a ride on The Cathedral Express, which is an old fashioned steam locomotive and not a euphemism for sex. It looked like The Hogwarts Express. We traveled from Kensington Olympia station around the Surrey Hills and back again while being served a catered lunch. After a glass of champagne, we had cream of asparagus soup (which made my pee stink something awful), a poached chicken breast (which was a little dry considering it was basically cooked in liquid), boiled and roasted potatoes, zucchini, and carrots. For dessert, we had a white chocolate and Jamaican rum torte which tasted something like a Little Debbie Swiss Roll only with booze in it. It was a very lovely ride through the countryside. We saw lots of sheep. I felt like I was on Brokeback Mountain without the dirt and sweaty man lovin'.
Later that evening, we went to a restaurant that Blake's colleague Ann recommended called About Thyme. Following our third glass of champagne of the day and our starters (cream of parsnip soup for me and stuffed roasted red peppers for Blake), we had a scrumptious little scoop of champagne and basil sorbet followed by a fillet (which was a little too charred for our tastes) and, finally, chocolate fondant with vanilla bean ice cream. The food was pretty good and the staff was very friendly. By friendly I mean the waiter touched our shoulders each and every time he spoke to us like he was trying to comfort us or something. Luckily he was cute. By cute I mean short.

So basically this Valentine's Day I did what I enjoy doing most... binge eating.

Who's Afraid of Kathleen Turner?

2006-02-11T19:35:00.000-05:00

The other night Blake and I joined our new friend Wilson for a night of theater. We certainly do seem to have taken advantage of London's theatre scene, haven't we? This time, instead of the usual musical that Blake forces me to see (kidding, Blake), I suggested we see a drama. Now you know I love big, loud, boozy dames so I figured why not see Kathleen Turner in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
I have only seen bits and pieces of the movie which starred Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, George Segal, and Sandy Dennis so I think I was going into this thinking it would be similar to another favorite movie of mine, The Ref. In that particular film, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis seem to be doing their best George and Martha impersonations, tearing each other apart for sport in front of their unsuspecting kidnapper. Of course, as with most films from the 1990s, everyone lives happily ever after... even the kidnapper. There are no happy endings at George and Martha's house.
You all probably have either read the play or seen the movie so I won't go into the details (if you haven't you can click here). I'll just tell you about the performance. This production reunites all the cast from a very successful, Tony-winning run on Broadway. I'm so glad I got to see this cast because everyone was wonderful.
I had my reservations about Bill Irwin playing George. The only thing I remember him from is playing a gangly clown in big pants on Bill Cosby. I just couldn't see him in the part. Boy, was I wrong! Imagine a really spiteful Niles Crane and you might start to get a picture of Bill Irwin as George. While flipping through the program I discovered that Mr. Irwin won a much deserved Tony for his performance on Broadway.
I hadn't heard of the two actors playing Nick and Honey but they too were perfect in their roles as the exasperated 6 foot blond adonis and his mousey wife who can't seem to be able to hold her liquor.
I have to say that Kathleen Turner was the main reason I had for wanting to see this show. I just love her. I love everything I have ever seen her in. I've even seen V.I. Warshawski probably a half dozen times and loved every minute of it. She definitely didn't disappoint me as Martha. She was just perfect as the gin soaked shrew and unfulfilled seductress of younger men. I'd hate to pick a fight with her after a few drinks. Man, is she a mean drunk!

Next week I'm shlepping Blake to see one of my favorite shows: STOMP! He's never seen it and this will be my fourth time. I can't wait! I love London theatre!

Britain's Next Top Models

2006-02-05T17:44:00.000-05:00

Move over, Kate Moss! You're about to have a little competition.

A couple weeks ago, I found myself imbibing my usual cider at XXL, when my friend Jason turned to me and said "Those guys over there are looking at you." I followed his gaze and saw two men, one with a camera and one holding a clipboard. It seemed that they were, indeed, looking at me. They made their way over to me and asked if I would like to be a part of something they were doing for Gay.com. I also swear I heard the word "bears" which caused me a bit of concern. Of course I made some self-deprecating remark about not being able to take a good picture. Clipboard's reply was "He has shot for Vogue. He can make anyone look good. Besides, I can see hidden potential." You just can't make up lines like this, folks.

Flash. Camera guy took a picture. They just wanted to take a test shot for now.

Needless to say, I was hesitant but before I could turn them down Jason was signing me up. This is the problem with being semi-sober when all your friends are shitfaced. During this exchange I pointed to Blake, who was wearing a leather harness of course, and said that he was my partner. They called him over and took a picture of both of us. The next thing I knew, they had signed him up as well promising to call us soon with details about the project.

Other than joking about being a Vogue model with my friends, I hadn't given "the project" much thought until my phone rang. Unknown number. Now, generally I don't answer those, but I guess it caught me off guard.

"Hello?"

I rarely get a signal in our tiny flat so I couldn't make out who was calling and hung up. However, my psychic voice told me who it was.

Blake called me minutes later and that Gay.com had called and wanted us for a photo shoot on Sunday. Apparently all we had to do is wear our "favorite belt and shoes" (Who has a favorite belt?!?) and they would provide the clothing. Immediately my response was "I don't think we should do it." I still really didn't understand what this project was about but my fears led me down a road where I was trussed up in a leather harness like an S&M Thanksgiving turkey and I wasn't having any of it. Blake tried to reassure me by telling me "They came to you first, you know." Flattery will get you nowhere when I'm being skeptical, but I told him that I guess I would just have to trust his judgment. I figured at best it would be like one of those childhood visits to Olan Mills or even better I would be right and could say I told you so.

So Sunday morning Blake and I journeyed to east London. As soon as we entered the restaurant where the shoot was taking place my possibly irrational fears were put to rest. As I now understand it, the project is an article on fashion for Gay.com and basically they would take some pictures of us in what I understood to be designer clothes. After having makeup applied and our hair done we were to be given our clothes. By the way, the makeup artist told me how I had such smooth complexion and great hands. "They hardly give away your age," she said. I think there was a complement in there somewhere.

Blake looked really nice in his brown houndstooth suit and blue sweater over a white Oxford shirt. I on the other hand was horrified when they dressed me in a green velvet suit over a red hoodie. I looked like the inside of a gangsta rapper's coffin!

Fortunately, the green really washed out my porcelain (read pasty) complexion and the green velvet monstrosity was exchanged for a nice blue polo with thin white stripes and a gray jacket. My luck being what it is though I managed to rip the back out of the green velvet pants while attempting to sit with my foot on the banquette where I was sitting with my arms around my knee. I was so embarrassed but my embarrassment did not seem to overshadow my relief when I was able to change those pants for my own jeans.

Anyway, after what seemed like a few dozen pictures later, the shoot was finished. They showed me a few of the photos they took of us. Blake's looked great. I thought the makeup made me look like a corpse. Here's hoping they are planning to do some Photo Shop magic!

Apparently the article will be on the site next week or something. You'll be the first to know when I hear something. In the meantime, I need to stock up on cocaine and cotton balls to snack on when I feel peckish. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Who The Hell Is Jordan and Why The Hell Should I Care?

2006-02-02T02:54:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I like to pick up a tabloid and read up on my celebrity dirt. I mean who doesn't like to see Nicolette Sheridan without makeup or Kirstie Alley having one too many Krispy Kremes? And you know I love seeing washed up celebrities trying to lose weight or tasking ballroom dancing lessons on the TV. So last year for Christmas, my friends Paul and Jason thought it would be amusing to get me a subscription to OK!, the self proclaimed "First for Celebrity News." However the tag line should read "First for Jordan News!" Every week she is on the cover and on at least 10 pages, all boobs and teeth. After four issues, I had to ask "Who the hell is Jordan and why the hell should I care?"
The bottom line is Katie Price aka Jordan is a former page 3 girl who managed to parlay her surgically enhanced breasts into a career.

But why does Britain love her so much? She can't act (she couldn't even get on Baywatch for Christ's sake). She's not that bright. "Some mornings I wake up and hardly dare open my eyes in case all the wonderful things that have been happening to me turn out to be just a dream," she once said. "If that happens, the first thing I'll do is to check whether my boobs are still there." Classy.

The current issues seem to be all about her marriage to innocuous singer Peter Andre or how her fat, blind, mixed-race baby with former boyfriend soccer player Dwight Yorke is going to die soon because he weighs five and a half stone (about 77 pounds) at age three.

I know it sounds mean but I DON'T CARE. Please, OK!, enough with Jordan! Give me news about things I care about like bad celebrity plastic surgery, who is or isn't gay in Hollywood, and pictures of Brad and Angelina going grocery shopping with their third world babies.

There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays

2006-01-07T15:28:00.000-05:00

Hello and Happy New Year to you all! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I know I did. Santa was very good to me as per usual. No socks or underwear this year and not one lump of coal! I'm sure you all were more nice than naughty last year as well and didn't earn the wrath of Old Saint Nick.

Blake and I spent Christmas with our little group of friends in London and flew out the next day to Louisville to spend the next couple of weeks with our friends and families there and in Nashville. I was glad to get the opportunity to return home so soon after our last trip and not just because I was jonesing to go to Target. It was really good to see my friends again. Speaking of whom, I'd like to give a shout out to Jim and Jay who always get on me for not mentioning them in this here blog.

Once again we hosted a little New Year's Eve party at our house in Louisville. Our friend John is watching the house while we are in London. He says his friends call it the Jumanji house. I think I can go along with that assessment. There is something dead on every wall and on just about every surface area. There was plenty of snacks, booze, and karaoke (but only after the cool kids left of course). All in all it was a nice way to ring in the new year.

Lions, Monkeys, and Drag Queens! Oh My!

2005-12-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

So much has gone on the past week or so. Last week, Blake and I attended the world premier of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe at the Royal Albert Hall. The film was this year's Royal Film Performance in aid of The Cinema and Television Benevolent Fund. Attending this black tie event were the stars of the film as well as other celebs like Annie Lennox and Prince Charles and Camilla. In fact, we sat above and to the right of the royals. They were, forgive the phrase, within spitting distance. Unfortunately, being commoners, we didn't walk down the blue carpet into the front door. No, we were herded through the back and to our seats to watch the A-listers' entrances on the big screen. The movie was a fairly faithful adaptation of the book and was a lot of fun to watch. The venue was gorgeous; however the tiny seats became torture devices for us tall people after being seated for 4 hours. Not that I'm one to complain.
Yesterday, we did something I've been looking forward to for a while. We saw Sir Ian McKellen as the Widow Twanky in Aladdin, a traditional English Christmas pantomime. I can honestly say that this was the most fun I've had since moving to London. What a hoot! Sir Ian was just a filthy old broad and there were as many double entendres flying about the stage as there were acrobatic chavs. (For those of you who aren't quite sure what a chav is, click here.) At one point Blake let out a loud guffaw at one of Twanky's blue lines and Sir Ian pointed at him and said "You are a dirty boy!" He's been over the moon ever since.

This morning we got up bright and early to see the Peter Jackson remake of King Kong. Wow! What a great movie! This movie was as good as Godzilla (the 1998 remake starring Matthew Broderick) was bad.

Now the first act, introducing the characters and travelling to Skull Island, was a bit slow, but from the moment they step upon that mysterious piece of real estate the film takes off at a breakneck pace. Ooooo, it made me so tense! You almost forget that this film is over 3 hours long.

Naomi Watts was the epitome of the glamorous 30's actress. I had to remind myself that I wasn't watching Ginger Rogers or Jean Harlow. Of course, the real star of the show was the big monkey. He'll make you laugh and he'll definitely make you cry. Kudos to Andy Serkis (of Gollum fame) for giving the beast a soul.

I think you're all caught up now. Christmas is coming up and then our trip back home to Louisville so hopefully I'll have lots of things to share with you.

I'm Going to Disneyland Paris!

2005-11-22T05:07:00.000-05:00

This weekend, Blake and I spent the weekend in Paris with our friends Paul and Jason. Oooo it was cold but fun. We started our holiday Saturday morning with a trip to the Galeries de Paleontologie et d'Anatomie Comparee (Paleontology and Comparative Anatomy Gallery) and the Grande Galerie de l'Evolution (Grand Evolution Gallery) followed by a visit to the Les Catacombs (surely I don't have to translate that).

The theme of the day was DEATH! It was right up Blake's alley. In fact, the galleries reminded me of being back in our home in Louisville which is decorated in what you might describe was museum chic.
As per usual in Paris, it felt like we walked the whole of the city that day so I'm sure I was tired, cold, and cranky. Imagine that! So while the rest of the gang had drinks with some French friends, I took a little nap and a nice shower... just what I needed to perk myself up. Later that evening we had dinner at Aux Trois Petits Cochons (Three Little Pigs) . It was delicious. Definitely a place I would revisit and recommend to anyone wanting an excellent meal at a reasonable price in Paris.
Sunday, we got up early and took the train to Disneyland Paris. I've been to both Disneyland in California and Walt Disney World in Florida and it seemed to me that Disneyland Paris was about the size of the park in California. It was very cold and anyone who knows me knows that I have only a small window of comfort when it comes to the temperature. However, the brisk climate did seem to stem that I would imagine would be the usual tide of patrons because we didn't have to wait much more than a half hour to ride anything.
Despite my complaining about the cold, I did enjoy myself this weekend, but perhaps we'll plan our next visit in the Spring.

It's Ducktastic!

2005-11-17T17:48:00.000-05:00

Last night, Blake and I, along with our friends Paul and Jason, attended one of the final showings of Ducktastic! at the Albery Theatre. Despite good reviews, the show is closing this week after only a month due to less than stellar attendance. Maybe it was fear of bird flu.

I was reluctant to see this show myself but £10 tickets won me over in the end. I have to admit that I am glad that I had the change to see this show. It was definitely one of the silliest things I've ever seen on the stage with a myriad of cheesy jokes and enough pratfalls to rival a Three Stooges short. I won't go on about the story, mainly because there wasn't much of a plot to speak of, but I will say that the two nude suits worn in the show were worth the price of admission alone.

Oh, there was also a celebrity in the audience. Sitting a few rows behind us was Geoffrey Palmer who starred alongside Dame Judy Dench in the long running BBC program As Time Goes By.

Just when we thought the entertainment was limited to the stage, we were treated to an impromptu performance on the tube rude home. A man with a guitar jumped on our train and loudly sang his version of "Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel". Afterwards, of course, he expected a donation. I declined. I figured I can look out my window and see crazy for free.

"Polly Wants A Lozenge!"

2005-11-07T09:11:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd pop on and do a little catch up with you guys. Blake and I went home to Louisville over Halloween weekend. I had such a great time. Can you guess what we went dressed as? I'll never tell, but I will say that I came home with a terrible cough.

I was so good to see my friends and even my family. It's weird but it felt like we had never left... like we were only gone for 5 days instead of 5 months. I really miss everybody. I miss home.

Anyway, several visits to Target later, Blake and I returned home exhausted and sick (I wasn't kidding about that cough ... must have been SARS or the bird flu). I spent the rest of the week resting, catching up on my TV, and playing City of Villains while Blake, of course, flew off to Poland.

Oh! I saw the funniest woman on the plane ride from Louisville to Chicago. I really have to tell you about her. She was about 6 foot tall and weighed about 250 pounds. She had red hair and a hunchback... and was wearing tiny little slingback pumps and a tiny little yellow sundress that came to a little above mid-thigh. It was practically a tanktop. The way she giggled and carried herself I'm sure that in her mind she thought she was Sarah Jessica Parker. In reality, however, she was Sasquatch. Good for her for feeling good about herself despite looking like John Madden in drag.

Can We Talk?

2005-10-25T08:50:00.000-05:00

Sunday night Blake and I joined our friends Paul and Jason at the London Palladium to see Joan Rivers in concert. She recycled a lot of her old jokes and put a fresh spin on them (like Madonna with her new British accent). Joan was as entertaining as I expected but, LORD, she looked like a skeleton in a blonde wig. I'm not sure how she's held together anymore. She did a bit about how people owe it to themselves to have plastic surgery and thereby look good because looks are the only thing that matters. Now I certainly am not one to talk about someone's self image but does she really think that what she's done to herself looks good?

My friend Jim says she's looks Asian now ... I think she looks like Jocelyne Wildenstein (that woman who had surgery to make herself look like a cat). These days everybody seems to be getting into the plastic surgery thing. Look at Meg Ryan and Loretta Swit.

Of course if it makes them happy then good for them but at what point do they cross the line between trying to improve their self image and becoming obsessed with it? If you have enough plastic surgery does it make you a new person?

Late Night Warbling

2005-10-13T06:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I happened to catch a repeat of Friday Night with Jonathan Ross on UKTV Gold. I was very please to find that two of the guests were Ewan McGregory and Charlie Boorman. They were on promoting their series Long Way Round which tracked their round the world motorcycle journey back in 2004. Anyone who knows me knows my penchant for Mr. McGregor. I mean, look at that face. How could anyone not love him? I try to watch (and enjoy) anything he is in. Blake and I even saw him in Guys and Dolls in the West End last month. One notable exeption to this is the horrible 2000 film Eye of the Beholder starring Ewan, Ashley Judd, Jason Priestly, and kd lang but that's not for here. Anyway, Ewan and Charlie were there usual charming selves and I was very pleased to have stumbled across this interview.
Imagine my horror to find that another guest on the show was Nancy Sinatra. She was promoting her CD entitled Nancy which she had apparently recorded between face lifts. As is the norm on chat shows when musicians (and I use the term loosely here) show up, Nancy stood up and did a number. God, what a boring performer! I'm not saying she has a bad voice... it's just very weak. It was as painful for me to listen to her song as it obviously was for her to sing it. It's obvious that Nancy is only a celebrity because of who her father was. It's not like she has some amazing talent or anything other than posing for photos in skimpy bikinis in the 60s. I mean anyone can manage to put out a hit song or two. Look at Pia Zadora for god's sake. I know that Nancy's boots were made for walking but her voice is not made for singing.

Northern Exposure

2005-10-10T05:48:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, Blake and I were invited to the home of our friends Jason and Paul to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. Like us Americans, Canadians like to celebrate their holiday with a BIG turkey dinner and all the fixins. Unfortunately, the grocery people forgot to deliver Jason's turkey so we had roast chicken instead. By the way, the chicken was fantastic and, P.S., Jason called the grocery and cried so they gave him all his other groceries free. It was truly something to celebrate!

I figured I would bring a little bit of home to dinner with me so I made my famous sweet potato casserole. It was a hit! Besides the chicken and sweet potatoes, Jason served butternut squash soup, mashed potatoes, braised celery, asparagus, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. Jason also made what I think was apple flan. Whatever it was it was delicious. I really had to resist a second helping.
Kings Cross Steelers Press Officer Allison and her partner joined us for dinner. It was very nice to be able to meet Izzie and get to know Allison a little better. It was an evening of good food and great people ... and maybe a little liquor. :)

Dance, Billy!

2005-09-30T08:08:00.000-05:00

Last night Blake and I went to the Victoria Palace Theatre to see Billy Elliot the Musical. The movie on which the show is based is one of my favorites. It starred cute little newcomer Jamie Bell in the title roll and the wonderful Julie Walters as Mrs. Wilkinson. The film was set in a mining town in Northern England during the miners' strikes in the 80s. Billy comes from a poor working-class family and his father wants him to learn to box. He inadvertently ends up attending a ballet class taught by Mrs. Wilkinson and realizes he has a natural dance talent. Long story short, his family is against Billy dancing so he practices in secret. Mrs. Wilkinson wants him to audition for ballet school in London but his father is against it ... until he sees him dance. I don't want to give away the ending but anyone who has ever seen a movie where the underdog has to overcome many obstacles to realize his dream knows the outcome.

The play is faithful to the movie except in this version the characters tend to break into song (and dance) at the drop of a hat. Now you know I typically don't like musicals but I've decided to limit my hatred to those written by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Rodgers and Hammerstein. Except for a couple so-so songs, the music by Elton John and Lee Hall is wonderful. My favorites are "We'd Go Dancing" sung by the grandmother about her abusive late husband, "Merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher", and "Expressing Yourself" which features boys in dresses and dancing evening gowns (what's not to love?).

The character of Billy is played by three different boys who alternate between shows. I haven't seen the other two but the Billy we got (George Maguire I think) was fantastic. The only problem I had with the cast was that the actors playing Billy's father and brother were too old. The father seemed as old as the grandmother and the brother looked to be in his 30s. However, they were both great in their respective parts so it was easy to overlook.

There is definitely not a lack of good shows here in London. I'd like to see STOMP again (I saw it three times back in Louisville) but Blake is really wanting to see Ducktastic. Make of that what you will.

The Misadventures of Ache and Bled

2005-09-19T04:28:00.000-05:00

OK. I know I was a little hard on myself in my last blog. I was having a bad day and needed to vent. I'm in a much better mood now. :)

So this weekend was fun. After attending a rugby game (the Steelers lost yet again), Blake and I decided to pop into Iceland (the grocery store not the country) to fetch us some supplies for dinner. Blake was off picking out hamburger buns or something while I was off to frozen foods to get some french fries. By the time I noticed the box of strawberries in the middle of the aisle it was too late. SMACK! I was on my knees ... and not in a good way.

"You should sue," said the old man standing next to me. "That box shouldn't have been in the middle of the aisle," added his wife. I could already feel my knee swelling up but I could walk on it so I didn't see the need for litigation. They still informed the manager, who told me that they could file a report in case ... "Well, not that you are going to sue us or anything." I told him not to worry. I was fine and wasn't going to sue. Looking back, I should have filled out the report. Maybe it would have taught them to at least keep things out of the aisle. I'm inching toward the age where a fall like that could have left me with a broken hip or something!

After dinner, Blake announced that he wasn't feeling well and went to lie down. Meanwhile, I sat with my leg propped up and ice on my knee, watching Strip Search (a reality show where men gyrate all their clothes off to compete for spot on a male strip group ... WHAT FUN!). Around midnight, Blake emerged from the boudoir to have a vomit. Obviously something Blake ate wasn't agreeing with him. After his little episode, we went to bed thinking everything would be all right in the morning.

Now, those of you who know me well know that once I'm asleep I will sleep through anything so imagine my surprise at 5 AM when I was awakened by the sounds of Blake rummaging through dresser drawers. "I've been up sick all night," he told me. "I'm going to the hospital. The ambulance is on its way." Obviously I told him I would accompany him. Within minutes we were whisked away to St. Thomas' Hospital where we spent the next 11 hours sitting. Well, I was sitting; Blake was in a bed receiving fluids via the catheter in his hand. Luckily for most of it we had a room all to ourselves, because it sounded like a mad house out there. Drunk girls falling out of wheelchairs and naked bums cussing at everyone. I felt a little like Alice after she stepped through the looking glass.

Anyway, we're home now at least I am. Blake is packing for his week long trip to Budapest. I can't wait to hear what is wrong with him when he gets back. I, on the other hand, plan to stay in the house and avoid sharp objects and dodgy food items.

It's no wonder our friend Jason has taken to calling us Ache and Bled.

Look, Ma! I'm A Sub-lebrity!

2005-09-15T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling very good about myself today.
Recently, I was contacted by a former colleague of mine from the Courier-Journal. She told me that a reporter from the free newspaper owned by the CJ was doing a story about Louisvillians living abroad (which is totally different from living as a broad in case you didn't know) and would I be interested in being interviewed. I agreed and was soon interviewed, via email, by said reporter. While I typed my answers I thought how boring and unimportant they sounded. I had even considered telling the reporter that I changed my mind and that maybe Blake could do the interview instead of me. At least his answers would be interesting. Never the less, I hit the send button and off went my interview.
This morning, I was informed by my best friend Jim that the article was published in this week's edition so I went online to read it. I was one of three people interviewed for the piece. One lady teaches English in Spain and the other is bringing organized sports to African tribes. And then there's Maude.
I was the unemployed computer programmer who complained about how mean the checkout girls were at Sainsbury's. I never realized how vapid and shallow and a bit stupid I am until I saw it in print. I'm not blaming the reporter. He just wrote what I said.

Immediately after, Blake mentioned something about us not having a lot of spare money this month. Of course, I started feeling uneasy about not contributing anything to the purse. You are the missing link. Goodbye.

When he left for work, I went online and found two jobs in London which I looked capable of doing. I sent off my resume (CV or curriculum vitae here in Britain) and waited. Imagine my surprise when somebody called me within the hour. I started to feel upbeat!

That feeling lasted maybe 5 seconds. He proceeded to tell me basically how I wasn't right for the position, my resume sucked (his actual turn of phrase was "not detailed enough"), and that, due to my UK Working Holiday Visa (which is only good for 2 years), no employer would be inclined to hire me.

Later, I went online and chatted with my ever optimistic mother who said to me, and I quote, "Your grandpa keeps asking if you are working yet, so I finally told him that you work off and on. He's worried about you." Great! Even my family thinks I'm worthless.

It's times like these that I wonder about this decision. Maybe quitting a job without having another one lined up wasn't the brightest thing for me to do. It makes me very uncomfortable when I'm in a group setting and the inevitable "And what do you do?" question comes up. They all tell me how jealous they are when I say "I don't work. I'm a housewife." But as they turn to talk to someone who has a job I know that what they meant was "Loser."

But what do I know? I'm vapid, shallow, and a bit stupid.

I've Been To Budapest, But I've Never Been To Me

2005-09-05T09:02:00.000-05:00

Well, we managed to make it back to London without being sold to the gypsies. The remainder of our mini-break to Budapest was fairly uneventful relative to our first night. Saturday morning, Blake and I walked down to the Central Market Hall (Nagy Vásárcsarnok) which is a huge indoor market selling mostly fresh food items and Hungarian souvenir type things. I had goulash soup and beef stew and potatoes again. I was starting to sense a trend at this point. I actually ate goulash soup at every meal I had in Budapest (except for breakfast on Sunday morning).

After lunch, we crossed the Danube River from Buda into Pest (seriously) to enjoy the thermal baths at the Gellert Hotel. Once I got over wearing a modesty flap (apparently most men wore swimming trunks... a fact Blake neglected to tell me until we got there) I was able to soak away my troubles in the warm, therapeutic waters despite being forced to see very fat, wet, naked, old men. Ewwww.

Next, we hiked up Gellert Hill (which I would have classified as a mountain more than a hill) to the Citadel, a 19th century fortress from which you can enjoy a view of practically all of Budapest.

Sunday morning, we took a taxi to Hero Square which is home to several statues of ancient Hungarian kings and military leaders. We also visited the Museum of Fine Arts and the Hungarian National Museum, but the best place we visited was the Municipal Zoological and Botanical Gardens.

It was an old zoo but the animals were healthy (according to Blake). I was very surprised that people were allowed to feed the animals. Giraffes and zebras were eating right out of peoples' hands. My favorites were the flamingos and a family of otters. The otters were so small and incredibly cute. Afterwards, we walked to the City Park where we had a cocktail. I was dead on my feet at that point so we grabbed a taxi and headed back to the hotel. There is so much more to see in Budapest and I hope I get the chance to go back soon. In the meantime, I'm looking for a really good goulash soup recipe. I think I'm going through the DT's.

Booger Drag in the Eastern Bloc

2005-09-02T18:26:00.000-05:00

Today Blake and I arrived in Budapest, Hungary. You can tell that this used to be a communist country. Most everything is gray. And I have to say that the stores have the ugliest mannequins I've ever seen. I swear one of them looked like it had polio or something.

Anyway, so far, I have to say that the food here is much better than the bland stuff we usually get in London. For lunch, I had a beef stew and boiled potatoes which was very yummy. For dinner I tried goulash soup. I have got to get a recipe for this and make this myself when I get home. Very good.

After dinner, we decided to check out a couple of the bars. On the way we were approached by a man trying to get us to go to a strip club. "Tits! Pussy!" he shouted at us. "You don't have to touch the pussy. You can just choke the chicken, spank the monkey!" Charming.

Needless to say, we declined his offer and headed down to Angyal bar where they were putting on a show that can only be described as booger drag. Underfed drag queens lipsynching to records that skipped several times during the performance. So far I've yet to see a drag queen in Europe that's as good as the ones back home. I guess that's something to be proud of.

Next we walked a block or two down to Coxx bar. Does every major European city have to have a bar named Coxx? Is it a chain or something? Anyway, we consumed our one drink minimum (our fourth vodka and orange juice of the night) and decided to pack it in. Tomorrow, we're off to the Turkish baths and I wanna get rested up. More news later.

Back and Forth. Forever.

2005-08-31T05:52:00.000-05:00

Once again I've become lax in my blogging duties. It's just that I haven't really had much to write about lately. Believe it or not there hasn't even been much for me to bitch about.

Last night some friends and I went to the movies to see "Me, You, and Everyone We Know." It was one of those films that the critics love and that us regular people watch and go "What the hell was that?" Not exactly the movie to go see if you want a little excitement ... or if you want to stay awake. Honestly the critics probably didn’t like it either. I think movies like that are made to make those artsy people feel intellectually superior to the common folk. "You mean you didn't see the subtle undertones of blah blah that reflected the human condition? It must be above you. " Blah blah blah. Give me a plot and maybe an explosion or two.

It's not that it was a terrible movie. It just seemed rather pointless ... and a little disturbing. I wont give too much away. I'll just say "I want to poop back and forth. Forever." Vile.

Oops ... We Did It Again...

2005-08-17T12:21:00.000-05:00

I've found that if I look long enough even I can find something to watch on British television. The other day I recorded a compelling documentary on Channel 4 that examined the dichotemy that exists between a person's private life and their public persona. That's right. I watched "Britney's Redneck Roots." It was basically about how you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailor park out of the girl.

I remember a time when Britney Spears was the shit, so to speak. She was everywhere. If you flipped on the television, turned on the radio, or opened a magazine you were likely to see or hear Britney and more than likely she was half dressed and panting to some bubble gum pop. She was a pop goddess. The good Southern Baptist girl who dressed like a stripper. The Virgin Whore. Seems like we don't mind that so much when the girl is 16 but when she's an adult it's trashy.

During the last year, Britney has reminded us over and over of her Louisiana roots. She smokes, drinks, does drugs (allegedly) and has bad skin! Her marriage to a childhood friend was annulled within 55 hours. Nine months later, she married a backup dancer who had a child with another woman and was expecting another. Britney was going crazy ... and we loved it!

Now I'll admit to being a celebrity sadist. I've always said that laughter though someone else's pain is my favorite emotion, but even if I wasn't a meanspirited person, I would find it hard to feel sorry for the Britneys, Whitneys, and Mariahs of the world. They wanted fame and they got it. The good with the bad. They realized that you can't be America's sweetheart and a crack whore at the same time.

We love to set somebody up on a pedestal all the while looking for chinks in their armor. Tearing a celebrity down is just as fun, if not more so, than building them up. It's like Celebrity Bowling ... set 'em up , then knock 'em down.

Whatever Happened to Customer Service?

2005-08-15T08:04:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm a spoiled American but I have to say that customer service in London leaves a lot to be desired. Case in point, back home, in Louisville, when you go to the grocery you can expect the cashier or a bag boy to ask "paper or plastic?" and stow your groceries accordingly. In London, however, not only will they not bag your groceries they will stare at you like there is something wrong with you until you've bagged up every item yourself.

This afternoon, after a quick run, I decided to pick up Blake's dry cleaning and pop into Iceland (a very low rent grocery store ... think Sav-A-Lot or Aldi) to pick up something for dinner. I only bought a few things: chicken breasts, some yogurt, lettuce, sorbet ice cream bars (yummy), and a couple 2 liters of Diet Coke. Not a major purchase, but I didn't want to have to carry more with my hands already full of dry cleaning. As usual I was having trouble opening those stupid plastic bags and instead of helping me the cashier announced to the other cashier "I'm going on my break" and left me there struggling. "Some customer service you have here," I said, under my breath. I would have said it louder but I didn't want to get shot.

You can also not expect to be asked if you want a refill on your soft drink in a London restaurant. If they do choose to ask, be sure that you will be charged for another soft drink. No Free Refills!!! I can just hear my cheapskate friend Jim saying now "I'd just get water," but if you order water here you get, you guessed it, bottled water... which you have to pay for. The only good thing I can say about this is that if we go out to eat before a movie I won't drink too much and have to pee two or three times during the show.

Let's Go Out To The Movies ...

2005-08-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

I'd like to bitch about something for a minute. I know that this will surprise you as I am usually one to let things slide off me like water off a duck's back. It's true. Anyway, yesterday Blake and I went to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory at the Odeon movie house in Leicester Square which, funny enough, is pronounced "Lester Square" but that is a gripe for another day. I'm not going to complain about the movie. It was quite good. Johnny Depp was a very creepy Willy Wonka in a Michael Jackson sort of way and the Oompa-Loompas were very amusing as well. Although I did think those children didn't deserve what happened to them ... they deserved much worse.

No, my complaint was the seating. Apparently you can't go to a movie in London and just show up and sit down where you like. All the theaters we've visited so far has assigned seating. The only benefit I can see to this is that you don't have to show up a half hour before the show to find a seat. However the problem with this is it is pretty much guaranteed that you will be sitting next to someone. The theater could be half empty (which it was today) and still everyone is crammed together like popcorn munching sardines. The woman seated next to me sighed throughout the movie. I have no idea why. The woman to Blake's left was fat. Really fat. Like "wash yourself with a rag on a stick" fat. I remember this one time flying back from Atlanta I was seated between two of the fattest men in the world. Immediately after take off they fell asleep and rested their heads on my shoulders. Nice. I just love sitting next to someone who oozes over the armrest into my personal space.

Another problem is because you don't have to show up early, people tend to show up late. Why not? The usherette will be glad to find your seat for you and shine her flashlight right in my eyes at the same time. Everybody wins!

I'm just glad I didn't have to pee...

SOHO Pride

2005-08-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday, Blake and I headed down to SOHO to attend their little Pride celebration. Aside from the restaurants putting tables out into the street, thereby getting in the way of the men drinking in the streets, SOHO Pride was pretty much just like any other night out. Actually there were so many straight women milling about that I felt like I was back home at The Connection!

Billed as "The West Ends Gayest Square Mile", this was basically just a big street party. Unfortunately the streets were so packed with people (and tables) that a person couldn't do much more than stand in one spot and drink ... which is exactly what we did.
Speaking of drinking, I have recently been introduced to the pleasures of cider. Mixed drinks are so expensive plus all that orange juice gives me reflux (god I'm getting old) and I've never been a beer drinker, so I figured I'd give beer's fruity cousin a try. I really like it. It's very refreshing and, P.S., I look like I'm drinking beer so I feel just a smidgen butch. Of course, saying "smidgen" will cancel out any butchness that drinking something that looks like beer would give me.

A Whole Buncha Nothing Going On

2005-07-26T13:51:00.000-05:00

Well, Blake left for Boston Saturday morning which leaves me alone again until this coming Saturday. I haven't been doing much of anything since he left except the usual laundry and going to the grocery. I have spent a lot of time playing THE GAME. For those of you not in the know, THE GAME is City of Heroes. It's the closest I'll ever come to actually being a super-hero, which is on my top 10 list of things to do.

I've also watched a lot of TV. For those of you who know me you know that this is not so unusual. I do love my TV. Lucky for me there are several channels on the satellite here that show a lot of American programs. The Simpsons are on like 10 times a day and so is Frasier. The Hallmark Channel just started showing the fourth season of my favorite show, Gilmore Girls, which played at home 2 years ago. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. It's nice to have some familiarity though ... keeps me from getting so homesick.

I think the hardest part when Blake is away, and funny enough he seems to be away more than he is here, is being alone. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my "me" time but going days without talking to anyone other than the cats and the lady at the dry cleaners isn't fun at all. Blake and my friends back home keep telling me to get out and do something but what? Anything I do will be by myself and if I'm gonna be by myself I might as well be at home ... where at least I have my TV and THE GAME. :)

Our Tiny Little Corner of the World

2005-07-19T09:33:00.000-05:00

I know I've sent the photos to many of you, but I figured I would blog about our little flat. At 524 square feet, it's not the three bedroom house with two baths that I left in Louisville, but we're getting used to it. Anyway, on with the tour ...

This is our living room. The flat came furnished with the two sofas (loveseats), the coffee table, and the dining room table and chairs. Of course the first thing Blake bought was the enormous 42-inch plasma TV! We bought the two bookcases (and several other things) at Ikea. I put them together by myself while Blake was a work. I blame those bookcases for pulling a muscle in my shoulder.

And this is our tiny bathroom. We've managed to add a little storage by hanging a wicker shelf system. Don't bother looking for it. It's on the opposite wall. :) Below is the bedroom. The bed was furnished and we bought the duvet cover and pillow cases and stuff from Ikea as did the three dressers. We only have the one closet so we had to add storage any way we could. One day I'll blog about how much I hate going to Ikea. Of course, Darren noticed the photo of the naked man on the wall. I'll give you a little history about those photos. The naked guy is actually a friend of mine that I used to work out with. That photo is probably close to 15 years old. He still looks good while I definitely look like I quit working out a long time ago. Anyway, that's our little flat. I put this out here so show you how we give but mainly to so that under no circumstances can we accommodate guests. LOL!

Catching Up

2005-07-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. It's not that nothing has happened in the past week or so it's just that I haven't had the urge to write anything. Well, I don't want to let everyone down so I figured I'd just tell you what's been going on since I last blogged.Last Thursday, terrorists set off four bombs on our public transport system - three on trains and one on a bus, killing at least 55 people and injuring around 700. Fortunately Blake and I weren't on the trains at the time. Blake was in Paris and I was asleep. I guess there are benefits to being unemployed. There are still a couple train lines down but other than that minor inconvenience London seems to be back to normal. It's good to see that life does go on after tragedy.The closings on some of the train lines did affect me though. I decided to take a volunteer position to give me something to do. The position was with the gay and lesbian archives. I figured since I was a librarian with the Courier-Journal for 10 years this would be right up my alley. Well, I was supposed to show up Wednesday at 2 PM for my induction. I left at 12:30 figuring that I would have ample time to arrive at the site with a little time to spare. Three trains and a replacement bus later I arrived at almost 3 PM! Charity or not, that's just too long of a commute for anything so I don't think I'll be returning... at least not until the other lines are up and running.This week I discovered that Jake, one of my cats, has been sneaking out of our tiny flat through the only window we can open and sneaking back in the middle of the night. I've suspected that it has been going on for weeks but I finally caught him! You might wonder how I didn't notice him missing. Well, any of you with cats will know that they can be notorious hiders. I just thought that maybe he was hiding in the closet or something. The bad thing about this was that we have to vent our little air conditioning unit out a window. I was so afraid that we would only be able to run the AC at night with the cats locked out of the bedroom. Well, somebody once said that necessity is the mother of invention. I stuck a pillow in the window and that seems to keep our little Houdini safe inside.Well, that's about everything. I will make an effort to blog more often. I promise.

All Dressed Up ...

2005-07-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

Last night Blake and I attended a reception at the residence of Craig Roberts Stapleton, the new United States Ambassador to France in Paris. The invitation didn't say how to dress but Blake assured me that it would be black tie. Later, he said that people would be wearing suits as well but he guaranteed that there would be others wearing tuxes. Needless to say, I felt a little ridiculous when we arrived and discovered that absolutely no one else was wearing a tuxedo. I told Blake that I wasn't speaking to him again, but that only lasted as long as it took me to finish a glass of really good champagne! We sampled hors d'oeuvres supplied by several American businesses in France. The funny thing is KFC furnished deserts and not chicken. We left following a speech by the new Ambassador and once again rode the Metro back to our hotel. The way people looked at us I felt like we fell off a gay wedding cake.

London Pride 2005

2005-07-03T06:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning, Blake and I participated in the Gay Pride Parade which began at Hyde Park and ended at Victoria Embankment. I joined Blake and his rugby team in carrying the big block long rainbow flag at the front of the parade. It was a lot of fun. Of course, an hour into the march everyone became victims of our short attention spans and I think our flag holding suffered a bit.
At the end of the parade, we happened to look into the crowd and saw Sir Ian McKellen! Once we got rid of the flag, Blake wanted to go back to see Ian again. He graciously posed for a picture with us. He was very pleasant.

Following the parade, I stood and listened to the motley crew of gays and lesbian groups at a rally at Trafalgar Square, from Gay and Lesbian Muslims to Radical Gay Faeries (don't ask), each and every one trying to channel the spirit of Martin Luther King in order to whip the crowd into a sympathetic frenzy. The most they got out of most of us was a collective yawn. I know that sounds insensitive but after an hour of listening to one sad cause after another, I was ready for the rugby team to take the stage along with the other gay sports teams so we could blow that scene.

After a quick stop back at our flat, we were back at Compton's and Duke of Wellington for a few drinks. We ended up at a bear bar called XXL. We danced. We drank. We even put our hands up a cute Irish guy's kilt! All in all, London Pride turned out to be a lot more fun than I anticipated. Although next year I think I could do without all the speeches at the rally!

Crazy Magnet

2005-06-27T06:27:00.000-05:00

For some reason I can't explain, I've always been a crazy magnet. That is to say crazy people always seem to be attracted to me. Take Friday night for instance. Blake and I met one of his rugby mates for a drink at Compton’s. We actually met some guys from Louisville. Apparently they live right around the corner from our house in Louisville. Small world, huh. Anyway, we were standing in a circle, the way our people seem to do when talking in groups, when all of a sudden this nut in a suit walks up to me with his hand out. "I'm Ryan," he slurs. I give him my name in return hoping that will be the end of it. He proceeds to tell me that he's a lawyer somewhere up north. "That's nice," I tell him. I take out my cigarettes and he asks me for one. I oblige, thinking that he probably only wanted a smoke. Then, he pokes Blake in the stomach like he's the Pillsbury Dough Boy and asks "Who's this?" Blake introduces himself. "Help me get rid of him," I mouth to Blake, who doesn't seem to be able to read lips. Annoyed, I walk over and ask one of the rugby mate's girl friends for a light. She doesn't have one so she turns and notices the suited lawyer and taps him and ask him to light my cigarette. Just great. I was trying to get rid of him. I accept the light and walk back to the Louisville boys. Luckily, by this time, he gets the hint and totters off.
Not 10 minutes later, some gin soaked hobo staggers up to me and shouts something undecipherable at me. I think it had something to do with him being short of money since he was pointing at a few coins he was holding in his outstretched hand. "Well, I'm short about a million pounds," says one of the girl friends. She then tells him to move along.
We then decide to move to a new bar. I think it was the Duke of Wellington. Most pubs close around midnight (clubs will stay open later). This one closed at 11. While we waited for our friends to exit, Blake and I sat on the sidewalk outside the pub. Suddenly, I find a hand on my shoulder that doesn't belong to Blake. "It's a long, long way to Tipperary," the drunk sings into my ear. "Yes," I reply. "I've heard that it is." I smile, thinking he will go away. Instead, he tried to high five me. Of course, since he's crouching over me, he misses my hand and smacks my face. Still singing, he stumbles off into the night.
At this point I believe my crazy quotient has been filled for the week so I decide that it's time to go home. Blake agrees. Of course, now I can't get "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" out of my head.

Home Cooked Meal

2005-06-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

I finally decided to really break our new kitchen in and cook an actual meal. Since I've been here we've either ordered in (and trust me when I tell you that it's really handy to have pretty much any kind of food imaginable delivered right to your door) or we've eaten heat and eats from Sainsbury's (which are actually pretty good as well).
Anyway, last night I made Chicken and Mushroom Etoufee. It was a recipe I got from the cooking class Blake and I took in New Orleans last September. One of Blake's rugby teammates was supposed to join us but he got stuck at some work function or something so it ended up being just the two of us.
I was actually surprised to find all the ingredients I needed at Sainsbury's (we brought Cajun seasoning from home just in case). I'm still trying to figure out where everything is there. Plus they don't call zucchini zucchini ... they call them courgettes which really throws me off. And apparently you can't buy sticks of butter like you can at home. You buy them in bricks (although they probably don't call them bricks). So I had to do some ciphering to figure out that a half a brick of butter is about a stick of butter. Whew! Does my head hurt!
Anyway, it was nice to have a familiar home cooked meal. Next week I'm going to try to make Swiss Steak and Mashed Potatoes from a couple of my favorite recipes. If it doesn't work out, we could always order in Indian again.

Pub Crawling

2005-06-20T07:07:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I joined Blake and some of his rugby teammates for a "pub crawl" to raise money to pay for the team's trip to New York next year to participate in the Bingham Cup (a gay rugby tournament honoring Mark Bingham).
I was a bit nervous at first, as I usually am around new people, but (surprise, surprise) the more I drank the friendlier I became. I won't go into how much I actually drank or exactly how sick I was once we got back home. I'll just say that once again I've sworn off alcohol.
I'm just glad I managed to keep my clothes on...

Friendship

2005-06-17T01:32:00.000-05:00

I received this today from my friend Mark in New Orleans. You know I don't like those stupid friendship chain letter emails that instruct you to "forward this to 10 friends or you will never find true happiness" or some crap like that, but this one always makes me smile. So instead of forwarding it to you, I figured I'd stick it on my blog and hope that you read it. Anyone who knows me will know that these words could have come straight from my mouth. :)

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always-sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you are my friend.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Loads and Loads and Loads of Fun!

2005-06-15T06:37:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me very well knows that I usually take one evening a week to do my laundry. It guarantees me one evening to just sit around and catch up on my television. Now that I'm in London, all that has changed. For one, there's not enough on the television to justify spending a whole evening catching up on my favorite shows. Secondly, there is no way that I could do all of our combined laundry in one evening.
I've mentioned the washer/dryer combination machine before but I'm not sure if I've told you how long it takes to do a load of laundry. From start to finish, it takes about 4 hours! And that's with the clothes not being completely dried. At any given time you will find garments hanging about the flat drying. Sometimes I think it would be quicker for me to beat the clothes with a rock in the river to clean them.
I had thought about maybe taking all the laundry to a coin laundromat (or launderette as I think they call it here) but it's too far to walk with all the laundry. We do take our dress shirts to a dry cleaner to have them washed, starched, and folded for us. This is done mainly because it's easier for Blake to pack them for his business trips and because they can be stacked at the top of the closet instead of hanging them and taking up valuable closet space.
Hopefully I can get caught up enough on the laundry to actually go out and explore London this week while Blake is away. Oh and while I'm out I need to pick up some laundry detergent and fabric softener.

An American in Paris

2005-06-13T14:22:00.000-05:00

Lord, Kids! Paris wore me out! My dogs are barking! It seems like we walked every square inch of central Paris. The Louvre alone just about killed me. Next time I'm going to check into one of those nice wheelchair tours. All kidding aside, Paris is a beautiful city. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see it.
After I arrived and checked into the hotel Friday evening, we walked to Notre Dame then had dinner at a little sidewalk cafe. I really need to get used to the European way of eating dinner so late. In London, people typically don't eat dinner until at least 8, whereas in Paris it's not uncommon to eat dinner at 10 or 11 at night! Needless to say, this boy was hongry! We also found out that the bars are typically busy before dinner. After dinner, after midnight or later, you basically have to know what party to go to. We were really hoping to get a taste of the Paris party scene so we were a little disappointed. Oh well. It was still fun.
Anyway, after dinner we took the Metro to the Eiffel Tower. We got there a little too late to take the elevator all the way tot he top but the second level was high enough for us, thank you. What an amazing view! Unfortunately, it was dark so many of the photos I took turned out. Next time I'll get there during the day.
Saturday we overslept a bit so we really have breakfast. I was hoping to try some French pastry. Maybe next time. Instead we grabbed a sandwich at the Louvre. People will tell you that the Louvre is huge but you have no idea until you walk it. We maybe covered half of it and I was about to collapse. Luckily we got to see the "high points"... Venus de Milo, Winged Victory, and the Mona Lisa.
You know I hate to be stereotype people (hehe) but I have one question... whatever can Asian people do with all the pictures they take? Good grief. If they aren't taking a picture, they're getting ready to take one. It seemed like I was always in their way. Maybe with all the photos I inadvertently found myself in I'll end up a celebrity in Japan! I could be the next Mr. Sparkle!
We met a couple of Blake's colleagues Saturday night. We started out having drinks (Strawberry Mojitos! Yummy!!!) at a bar then we moved to the Restaurant Georges at the top of the Centre National d'Art et de Culture Georges Pompidou. For you Sex and the City fans, this is the same restaurant where Carrie met the Russian's wife in the series finale. The view was breathtaking! You could see practically the entire city from our table. And don't get me started on the food and wine. I'll just say everything was delicious and leave it at that. We were probably seated at our table at 11 PM and left around 1:30 AM. By that time it was too late to do much of anything else (the bars close at 2 AM) so we went back to our room.
On Sunday, we decided to catch an early train and head back home to London. We found out that we had been invited to attend a function (black tie, we think) at the US Embassy to celebrate the Fourth of July so we figured we could catch the sights we missed on our next visit.

Gay Paris!

2005-06-09T08:56:00.000-05:00

Whew! I figured I would be bored not working but there has been enough to do this week to keep me pretty busy. Laundry alone takes up a big chunk of time. Mainly because the washer/dryer is one unit. It washes the clothes then it sorta dries them. I say "sorta" because it seems to steam the clothes dry so they don't really get completely dry. But there's cleaning the flat (I clean it during the day and Blake trashes it at night. We have a routine. It's the circle of life.), going to the gym, going to the grocery, picking up stuff at the dry cleaners. I feel like a 50's housewife!
Blake is in Paris today. He had to get up at liek 4 AM this morning to catch the Eurostar. That's the train that takes you from London to Paris via the Chunnel. I'm going to meet him there tomorrow to spend the weekend. Our first mini-break as Londoners. I've never been to Paris so I'm pretty excited. We are staying at the Hotel La Tour Notre Dame. It's supposed to be in the "gay" area. Should be interesting.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm going to take my laptop with me since it's so cumbersome so there may not be an update until we return. Eitheer way, I'm sure I'll tell you all about our vacation!
Au Revoir!

This Ain't Your Daddy's YMCA!

2005-06-08T03:50:00.000-05:00

Boy was I wrong about the gym here! I was expecting a bunch of pasty, flabby, hobbits. Instead, what I found was tan, tattooed, good looking, muscle guys. It seems that gay men are the same everywhere after all. Unfortunately, I seemed to be the only pasty, flabby guy there. I told Blake that I thought he only wanted take me there to humiliate me! HA!
Darren will love this part. There was this one guy who looked like a younger, better looking version of Ray Dragon! Actually after looking at that picture I can say that the guy at the gym was much better looking and in even better shape! He was definitely COLT material... and he wasn't even the best looking guy there!
This place has a modern and industrial feel. The staff at the front desk were energetic, helpful, and friendly. There was even a guy (probably a model) handing out shots of some sort of hydrating beverage throughout the gym. This was definitely NOT the Louisville YMCA! The one funny thing that happened was that Blake locked the key to the padlock on his locker inside the locker. One of the musclely girls (a real girl with boobs and everything) at the front desk grabbed her trusty bolt cutters and headed on down to the men's locker room and cut off the lock. The men in the room, in various stages of undress, seemed to be fairly untroubled by the whole ordeal.
Despite feeling quite inadequate around all these gym bunnies, Blake and I managed to have a pretty good workout. He pushed me pretty hard. It will definitely take some getting used to doing 4 sets of 12 reps instead of 3 sets of 10. I woke up in the middle of the night a little stiff and sore (from the workout, you perverts! Get your minds out of the collective gutter!) but now that I've had a nice hot shower this morning I'm feeling better.
Maybe with Blake's help and encouragement and all the stimulation... er, I mean inspiration at the gym I'll be in shape in no time!

Finally! An Almost Uneventful Day!

2005-06-07T12:32:00.000-05:00

For those of you keeping up with my travel drama, I just want to say that we picked up the cats last night and they are fine. My luggage was delivered to a neighbor upstairs who seemed very nice (I think his name is Frasier). So all is well today in jolly old England.
Today I decided to go out an explore a little, so I hopped on my bicycle and headed in the direction of the closest Sainbury's to buy some basic sundries. About half-way there I realized that Blake had taken the lock off my bike yesterday when we were testing keys so I headed back home. Somehow I got completely turned around. After peddling aimlessly for about 10 minutes I finally found our street. Once I recovered my lock, I continued my journey this time without incident. The grocery here is, like our flat, tiny but they had most of what I was looking for (poor Blake is going to have to do without coffee beans for now). My backpack filled to capacity, I trekked home. If I do this every day or so I should be able to lose a little weight!
Speaking of which, Blake is taking me this evening to join our neighborhood gym. My only hope is that the local boys are as pasty and out of shape as I am!
I'm sure I'll have all sorts of interesting things to tell you about this next adventure!

I AM Happy, Dammit!

2005-06-06T07:28:00.000-05:00

Saturday when I arrived at the Louisville airport to begin my new life in London, I decided that from now on I'm going to try to have a better outlook on things. After spending the afternoon with my mother I realized I saw a lot of her in me ... and I didn't like it! Anyway, I decided that no matter what I was going to arrive in London fresh and happy and excited to see my man and start our new life together. The airline gods, however, had different plans.
First, the flight from Louisville to Detroit was delayed two hours because of a mechanical problem with the plane. Something to do with pressure or something. Now I wasn't going to let this upset me because honestly I'm usually relieved when mechanical problems on airplanes are fixed before I fly on them. Call me crazy, but that's how I feel. But I was a little concerned because my two cats were in Detroit waiting to fly with me. (Long story short, they had to fly up earlier in the day so the customs people could examine them or something.)
When we finally boarded the plane and took off, the fine people at Northwest assured me that I would be able to make my connection flight. I actually got off the plane (deboarded? unboarded?) at 9:30 a good 10 minutes before my 9:40 flight was supposed to take off, however, I was told that because they couldn't get my luggage to that plane in time (and TSA regulations require one to travel with one's luggage - remember this!) I wouldn't be able to make my scheduled flight. My cats were on the flight and would be waiting for me at Gatwick airport, however, I was going to be re-routed through Amsterdam and then to London. Before I could try to find a better way to get there, the ever so friendly and competent people at Northwest shoved a new ticket in my hand and instructed me to run approximately the length of a football field because my new flight was boarding at that exact moment.
Luckily I made that flight and, after stowing all my personal items in the overhead compartment and/or under the seat in from of me, I decided to look at my new itinerary. Oh joy! I had a six and a half hour layover in Amsterdam!
You might be saying, "Hey! Amsterdam sounds cool!" and if I was there I would slap you for saying that. While I'm sure Amsterdam has its charms, the airport should be listed as one of the nine circles of Hell. I couldn't find anyone who could help me. As it turns out my flight to London would be on a different airline, so Northwest claimed they couldn't assist me and British Airlines personnel were nowhere to be seen.
One hour before my flight, I finally found somebody to talk to. She seemed amazed that I didn't have a boarding pass. I told her that I had been there for five-and-a-half hours already and she was the first people at British Airways to speak to me. Anyway, she asked me if I had any luggage checked and I said that I indeed had two pieces of checked luggage. She seemed a little confused by the Northwest luggage receipts in my possession so she called down to check if my luggage was going to be loaded on the plane. She informed me that they didn't have my luggage and she wouldn't allow me to board the plane without it. I told her my sob story and I guess she took pity on me because an hour later I was on the plane headed for London.
Upon arrival, I immediately went to the baggage department and got somebody to write up a report after, of course, they verified that they had no idea where my luggage was. So basically Northwest wouldn't let me board my original plane because I couldn't travel without my luggage and then they lost my luggage. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
Oh! And just when you think it couldn't get worse, it does! After the luggage debacle, I find Blake and he tells me that the minimum wage genius cargo worker in Louisville didn't send the original paperwork for Jake so London customs wasn't going to release them.
At this point in our little drama, my luggage is supposed to be on its way from Amsterdam and Blake should be able to pick up the cats after customs verifies things with our vet in Louisville.
Keep your fingers crossed, kids! This may not be over yet!

Magic Mushrooms

2005-05-17T09:53:00.000-05:00

God, I hate packing! All it does is remind me how much crap I've accumulated over the years. Normally moving is just an excuse to move the crap from one house to the next, but this time is different. I'm moving my crap to Blake's house, which is already full of crap.
Except for a few odds and ends, all were are taking to London with us is our clothes and the cats because there just isn't room for anything else. On my last visit to London I saw just how little storage we had. Blake's designated storage was filled to capacity and had already began creeping into my space like kudzu. He brought three pairs of cowboy boots with him! I honestly fear that I will become the old woman who lived in a shoe.
I wish I could find some of those magic mushrooms in Alice in Wonderland. You know, the ones marked "Eat me" and when you did you got smaller. Maybe I could rub them all over our stuff to make it all fit in our tiny 524 square foot one bedroom flat!
Luckily for both of us I just don't have a huge wardrobe. I pretty much buy something and wear it until it falls apart. So I'm sure I can share a little of my space with Big Daddy. I mean he already has a big chunk of my heart. :)

Last Dance

2005-05-13T08:36:00.000-05:00

It's been more than two week since my last post. I'd like to say that it's because I've been terribly busy doing terribly important things, but it's really because I just haven't thought of anything that I want to write about. Today, however, I want to write about. Today is my last day of work at my current job. It's a bittersweet sort of day. On the one hand, I'm giving up a pretty good salary, my own office, wearing shorts to work, and a fairly flexible schedule. On the other hand, I'm giving up lots of down time, unorganized management, and absolutely so career advancement.
I'd like to think that I would have left this place eventually even if Blake hadn't dragged me kicking and screaming to London. (I'm actually really excited about the move now, by the way.)
When I gave my notice two weeks ago, I was really surprised to see how well they took it. Now I wasn't expecting pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth, but a few "how will we survive without you"s would have been nice... even if they were lies. But I'm sure that, even though there will be a few bumps, they will get by. I guess everybody wants to feel that they are indispensable.
My mother took the news very well too ... at first. Now the closer I get to the big day, the more questions she asks and the more "I hope you're not going to regret this" comments she makes. My mother has always been a glass half-empty type of gal anyway so this doesn't come as a shock to me.
And while I like to think of myself as the glue that holds my little circle of friends together, I'm sure they will do just fine without me. Although it would be nice if every now and then one of them says "This would have been a lot more fun if Ed were here."

Lost in Translation

2005-04-26T05:51:00.000-05:00

Greetings from sunny Spain! After spending the last two day in damp, slightly nippy London, Madrid has been a pleasant change. It's currently 66 degrees here and I'm wearing shorts although I seem to be the only person in the city doing so. They are wearing long pants and jackets! I felt so out of place shopping at El Corte Inglés (a department store on par with Macy's or Dillards). Blake had forgotten to pack black socks to wear during his business functions here so he asked me to pick some up for him. Luckily the store was right around the corner. I searched the Información guide and saw Hombres which lead me to the second floor where I found the socks. After a few minutes of trying to pick out the right socks (I wanted a high cotton percentage and a large size since Blake has really big feet), a saleslady came over to assist me. She probably thought by the way I lingered around the area and by the way I was dressed I was going to steal something! Anyway, I panicked. I didn't understand a word she said. It sent me back to my trip to Greece when I got lost from my group and a man wanted to take me in his car to where they were. I thought he was trying to sell me into white slavery! Anyway, I calmed down and said to her "I'll take these." Fortunately she knew English and she asked me was I sure I wanted the large size. I assured her that person I was buying them for had really big feet and she proceeded to ring me up. One adventure down!
Then I decided I would try to venture a little further from the hotel for some lunch. I figured there had to be a McDonald's or something nearby. I know I'm in Spain and I should try some Spanish food but my spirit of adventure was starting to wane. The only thing I could find in a few blocks radius was a Subway. Now I love Subway but I didn't want to have to figure out how to tell the girl what toppings to put on my sandwich so I chickened out and came back to the room hungry.
Maybe there's a 6 Euro candy bar in the minibar.
P.S. I want to wish my good friend Jay a belated Happy Birthday. I hope it was a good one! Don't worry. I'm trying to find you a present in Spain!

White Trash Over Louisville!

2005-04-21T12:12:00.000-05:00

You have no idea how glad I am to be getting out of town this weekend. Saturday is Thunder Over Louisville, the opening day celebration for the Kentucky Derby Festival. For those of you not in the know, Thunder Over Louisville is a day long event down at the award winning Riverfront Park. It bascially begins with a military air show and ends with what is touted each year as the "World's Largest Fireworks Show!" Yee haw!
I've always believed that there's nothing better to get the white trash out of their trailers than blowing the shit out of things. They congregate on the grassy knoll and eat deep fried goodness and turkey legs that are larger than your arm and drink beer. Lots of Beer. So much beer that it's no wonder the lines to the famous "Thunder Pots" are so exceptionally long. They end the night Oooing and Ahhing over fireworks set to broadway musicals or patriotic songs and then flood the streets on what will most certainly be an hours long trek home.
I know I'm a stick in the mud, but I hate all that crap. I don't like crowds, especially drunk crowds. Also, Fireworks don't thrill me like they did when I was a kid.
I guess growing up a stones throw from Churchill Downs has made me jaded with the whole Derby season. There was always too much traffic, too many drunks passed out in the bushes, and way too many Jesus freaks waving their Bibles at the gambling sinners for my liking.
Now I know what a boon Derby is to the city and I'm not saying that I would do away with it. I'm just saying I enjoy it more when I'm not there.

Circle of Friends

2005-04-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

Once again with nothing on TV I find myself catching up on some DVDs. Right now I'm finishing up the second half of the sixth season of "Sex & The City." Carrie is dating the Russian and contemplating moving to Paris with him. It got me thinking about my big move. Not that I think I'm the center of my friends' universe, but I wonder what things will be like here without me. The birthday dinners I'll miss. My friend Darren's plays. The dinner parties. The lunches.
My best friend Jim told me the other day that he couldn't believe that in less than two months, I'll be gone. That we'll never be able to just pick up the phone anytime we want and just talk about nothing. I think that's the first time I realized how different my life would be. The thing is all my life people have left me. Some moved away. Some passed away. But I was always here.
I know I'm making the right decision to leave. Moving to London is a dream that I never thought would come true. Moving to London with someone I love is something I never could have imagined.
But all my life I've defined myself by the circle of friends I chose to surround myself with. Even though the faces have changed, my friends have always been my touchstone. The one constant I could count on. I worry that I won't make new friends. Friends that will get my jokes. My obscure TV and movie references.
I keep coming back to something my mom told me when I was a kid. "It's harder to make friends as you get older." Of course, I never really remember her having any friends so she's probably not the best judge.
So, although I'll never be able to replace my friends (and who would want to?!?), I know I'll make new friends. It will be scary and challenging, but I guess that's what life is all about.

Trolling for DVDs

2005-04-13T06:25:00.000-05:00

Even though I'm not moving for another month and a half, I've decided to start boxing things up now so that I won't feel rushed to do it at the last minute. This has its own pros and cons. obviously it's good to get stuff out of the way but some of the things I've packed up I find that I still need ... or want anyway. This past weekend, I bought a gigantic 45 gallon Rubbermaid storage container and proceeded to fill it with the majority of my DVD collection... after taking out the ones I planned to take with me to London of course. Well, it didn't take long for me to realize that I had made a mistake. My mom calls me and asks me about a movie she had lent me. Neither of us could remember what I borrowed only that I borrowed something. Of course, whatever it was I had packed it away with my DVDs. So I had to practically empty the entire container to find the DVD ("Finding Neverland" by the way) which was at the very bottom. This left me to fill it back up again.
If you've read anything else I've written in this blog you'll know that there has been NOTHING on TV lately which is another reason for all the early packing so I've been catching up on some of the DVDs I've bought and never watched. This week I've been watching the 6th and final season of "Sex and the City" which I remembered to save from the Rubbermaid. However, what I neglected to remember was that the wise folks at HBO, wanting to squeeze as much blood from their viewing turnips as possible, decided to split the season into two halves ... each costing the same as what you would pay for an entire earlier season. I could bitch about that but I won't... especially seeing as how I gave them my money. Anyway, of course I forgot to set the 2nd half of season six aside and once again found myself diving through the Rubbermaid. I probably don't have to tell you that it, too, was at the bottom.
It's funny that this sorta reminds me of those huge bins at Wal-Mart which house the "2 for $11" DVDs which I always have to look through. This bin is like the Island of Misfit DVDs. This is where has-beens go to die. Hello there, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Nice to see you again, Pauly Shore. Lately there are a lot of Mexican movies in there. Buenos Dias, Charo. I laugh, but I have found some good movies in those bins. Well, "good" is a relative term I guess.
Anyway the point is I felt like I was diving through one of those bins to find one movie... which tells me I have entirely too many DVDs in my collection and I need to stay away from Wal-Mart.

Feel the Burn

2005-04-08T07:45:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's because I'm really anxious about the big move or maybe it's because there is still hardly anything worth watching on TV, but I've been feeling very restless this week. Restless and bored out of my mind. I've actually contemplated ... GASP ... going for a walk!
I really need to get back into exercising. When I cancelled my membership at the Y way back in September it was under the assumption that I would join another gym. But before I could, Blake informs me of the whole London thing. Since I had no idea at the time when this would take place, I put my gym plans on hold. Believe it or not this was not a trajedy to me. I've never been one of those people with a hard on for working out. I've never had (and never will have) what you would call a "gym body." I did it because I felt I needed to not because I enjoyed it. And, boy, do I need it! I've put on probably 15 pounds since September.
I know there are many, many benefits to exercise, not least of which is being able to put on jeans without having to lay down and taking a coat hanger and a pair of pliers to button them. I always feel better after I've worked out and I'm not so stiff in the mornings (and I mean my back is stiff ... get your minds out of the gutter!).
I keep telling myself that I will lose weight when I get to London. Surely all the walking will help but I also plan to take my bicycle and join the gym that Blake has joined. Judging from my last UK visit, there won't be anything on television there to distract me so maybe I can actually do this.

Closer

2005-04-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

Last night I watched Closer starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Clive Owens, and Natalie Portman. What a disturbing movie! The characters in the movie were brutal and desperate and selfish in their treatment of each other. They lied and cheated on their lovers all the while demanding honesty. It could be said that these people sought out all this drama because deep down they didn't feel worthy of happiness or love, but I think that, in a way, they enjoyed beating the shit out of each other emotionally.
God it was really hard to watch at times ...

Get Your Geek On

2005-04-04T07:57:00.000-05:00

I like movies based on comic books. There. I said it. X-Men, Spider-Man, Blade, Hellboy, Superman (I & II only), Batman (also I & II - what were you thinking, Joel Schumacher?!?). Hell, I even enjoyed Daredevil! Now I'll admit that some comic book movies are total shit (I'm looking at you, Halle Berry) but most of them are a lot of fun.
Before I continue I feel I need to explain something. I go to my local comics shop every week and spend way too much money on comic books. I do plan to cut back a lot once I move to London because 1) I won't have a job and 2) where the hell would we store them? Anyway, I've been a fan for years but please don't think I'm like one of those unbathed, overweight, greasy-haired 36 year-old fanboys who still live with their mother and have never been laid. I've seen these guys. I know they exist. I'm just not one of them. I rarely talk comic books. I never post messages on comic book bulletin boards ranting about the death of a certain creator because he killed off my favorite character. I just enjoy reading them. Really. I swear. Don't look at me like that ...
Anyway, you might think that the comic movie I'm anxiously awaiting this year would be Batman, and I'll admit that the Christian Bale in a tight rubber suit does have certain appeal, but I'm really looking forward to the Fantastic Four. I love big, flashy special effects movies and, judging by the trailer, this is gonna be a pretty cool movie. I'm not too thrilled with the way they made The Thing look (where's your eyebrow ridge, Ben?!?) but I think that overall everybody looks the part. Oh and Chris Evans, aka Johnny Storm aka The Human Torch, is shirtless. 'Nuff Said.

Who Would Jesus Hate?

2005-04-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

In August of this year, the city of Jerusalem will host WorldPride, a 10-day event organized by the International Association of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Coordinators which will include a film festival, arts exhibition, conference for religious leaders and a parade through the city. Home to more than 630,000 people representing a wide range of national, religious, and socioeconomic groups, Jerusalem was chosen because the organizers believed that there was no better place to demonstrate "that human rights transcend cultural and ethnic boundaries, that our differences can be respected peacefully, and that love knows no borders."
Jerusalem is also the home to three of the world's most influential religions: Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. Although these religions are fundamentally alike they rarely seem to agree on much of anything.
This week, however, they united to show their condemnation of WorldFest in the Holy Land. One Islamic leader said that the event "is very ugly and very nasty" and will "make the Holy City dirty." (I suppose all the war and bigotry there makes it the happiest place on earth.) Undaunted by this, the festival organizers pledge that the event will be held as planned. I say, good for them!
Isn't it sad that once again religion seems to fuel hatred and divisiveness instead of love and unity? What are these people so afraid of? That the only difference between us is who we sleep with? That the lesbians will show their hairy ankles in public? That without somebody to feel morally superior to they would lose some of their power? Are gays the Christian Kryptonite?
Surely with all the other crap going on in the world a couple of drag queens marching down Main Street Jerusalem wouldn't be one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Shouldn't they be focusing their attention on more important things like hunger, disease, war or at the very least explaining how Jessica Simpson manages to be so popular without having one ounce of talent?

Quality of Life

2005-03-31T14:22:00.000-05:00

Terri Schiavo died today. I can't believe that this poor woman became the center of all this controversy over the past couple of weeks. For those of you who have been living under a rock, Terri Schiavo has been in a "persistent vegetative state" since 1990. Her husband believed that she would never have wanted to live like this and should have been allowed to die. However her parents wanted to prolong her "life" and won the support of several conservative Christian groups and, inevitably, George Bush and the Republican-controlled Congress who quickly passed a bill allowing Terri's parents to take the case to Federal court for review.
Isn't it funny how Republicans are always saying how we need less government, yet they are constantly wanting the government to regulate morality?
Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis, said after the vote, "In our public actions, we must build a culture of life that welcomes and defends all human life." Well, all human life except Iraqis or the gays, I guess. Eh, Jimmy? But I digress ...
The thing is I can sympathize with Terri's parents. We all find it hard to let go of our love ones and it is very easy to try to find a ray of hope that they will pull through something like this. I also I can't imagine how difficult it was for Terri's husband to make the decision to let her go and move on with his life. Hopefully now Terri's parents can do the same.
I realize that "quality of life" is subjective, but I just wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines... especially if it was not because there was actual hope of getting better but because somebody couldn't let me go.

M is for the many ways you nag me ...

2005-03-30T15:27:00.000-05:00

There is one sentence that, no matter how it is said or what the intention behind it is, will instantly make me see red. "You are just like your mother."
Don't get me wrong... I love my mom but she definitely takes nagging to a new level. No matter what you do she knows a better way to do it and she's angry that you didn't think of it to begin with. However, if it's something she has to do she's completely helpless and you have to do it for her. Especially if it involves a computer. Last week, for instance, I had to order something off of Amazon for her and today I had to bid on something on Ebay. The thing is she owns, like, four computers. She was a computer operator for an electronics supplier. She may not be hip to all the ins and outs of Windows but she's not helpless around a computer. I hate to use the word lazy to describe my mother so I'll just say she has got the whole delegation-thing down pat.
The thing that pisses me off the most about my mother is that I can see myself becoming her. I definitely like things a certain way and I am the first to tell somebody my opinion. The thing that differientiates me from my mother is that I realize I'm doing it and I really want to stop. I wonder if there's a 12-step program for nagging?

Driving Miss Crabby

2005-03-29T15:36:00.000-05:00

Nothing pisses me off more than driving. I can really understand when somebody gets cut off on the interstate and subsequently pulls out a shotgun and starts blowing away any car who happens to pass by.
I get mad that old people who can barely walk are allowed to drive. I get angrier when I look over and see them wearing those big Terminator cataract glasses! Why don't we have to take a sight test in order to renew our driver's licenses???
Don't even get me started on cell phones. I can't say that I never talk on the phone while driving but what gets me are the people who try to park while they are chatting away on their cell phone.
And what's with everybody having to back into a parking space? Listen up. I will only say this once. IT IS EASIER TO PULL IN AND BACK OUT THAN IT IS TO BACK IN AND PULL OUT!
It's just so dangerous on the roads anymore. Everybody has to be in front of anybody else. And god forbid if you want to merge into the next lane. You'd have more luck threading a needle than getting your car between the two assholes next to you.
The one thing I'm looking forward to most when I move to England is that I won't have to drive. Then I'll get to bitch about the Tube!

P.S. I found this site all about driving. It might be worth a click.

Do you really want to hurt me?

2005-03-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

Since February Sweeps are over and we are currently in the throws of March Madness, my poor little TiVo hasn't had a lot to do lately. I will be the first to admit that I watch a lot of TV so with the total lack of anything to watch combined with Blake being in London, I've been bored out of my mind. So, I've been looking for some new things to TiVo. By the way, isn't it funny that TiVo has become a verb?
But I digress ... BBC America is running a Kumars at No. 42 marathon today. I first discovered this funny little talk show on a flight to Thailand a couple years ago. The first show featured Boy George. Lord! What an odd bird! He has painted his head black and his face and hands red and green. He's also wearing a strange charm bracelet that extends from his ear to his nose. I believe the charms spell out Boy George but I can't be sure. I can appreciate the desire to set oneself apart from the pack, but I think Liberace would agree with me when I say "Bring it down a notch, sister!"
I remember the hell my dad put me through when I came home at 17 with a pierced ear. I can only imagine how fun life would have been if I ever came home looking like a Sith from the Star Wars movies.
Oh well. It could be worse. He could look like this! Yikes!

Chili con Fingers

2005-03-25T07:33:00.000-05:00

Recently, while dining at one of my favorite restaurants, I found a wire inside my grilled chicken sandwich. Apparently it was from the wire brush they use to clean the grills. Ewww. Needless to say, I didn't finish the sandwich ... but I have been back to the restaurant.
Last night, my friend Terry tried to gross me out by emailing me an article about a woman who found a human finger in the bowl of Wendy's chili she was eating at the time. Coincidentally, he was enjoying a bowl of Wendy's chili himself when he came across the story.
I asked him, "Did you eat the rest of your chili?"
"Well, yeah," he replied. I laughed so hard I think I let out a little pee.
But this just makes me wonder that if there are fingers floating around in Wendy's chili what else can be found in our favorite fast food?
A lot, according to a recent MSNBC piece called "Dirty Dining."
This really shouldn't come as a surprise though. I mean, all you have to do is step inside a Taco Bell and you can tell that hygene isn't a top 10 priority to most of the workers there so why should they care if there's a little booger in your Fiesta Taco Salad?
Maybe this goes back to what I was saying about buffets a few posts back... if it's fast and cheap, we will eat anything.
Oh well. I'm hungry ... could you please pass the fingers?

Oh, Shelby ... what have you done to your hair?

2005-03-24T07:26:00.000-05:00

Okay. It's decided. I have got to find a new barber.
Last night on my way home from work, I stopped by the Great Clips by my house to get a haircut. For the third time in a row, this girl with a pierced nose and lip cut my hair. Well, apparently this time my instructions to "cut a little off the top" meant "give me the haircut you give to kids with head lice." It's so short! The silver lining is that my hair grows really fast so in two weeks this hair-don't will be a memory.
By the way, the title of this posting, in case you were wondering, is a line from
"Steel Magnolias," which is being revived off-Broadway next month. This new production stars Delta Burke, Christine Ebersole, Rebecca Gayheart, Marsha Mason, Lily Rabe, and Frances Sternhagen. I'd love to see it. I've seen the movie like 20 times but I've only seen it staged once. My best friend, Jim, and I were talking about taking a weekend trip to New York sometime before I move to London to see it.
I just hope my hair grows out by then...

American-Size Portions ...

2005-03-23T08:49:00.000-05:00

I paid Blake a visit in London a couple weeks so we could go apartment hunting. While there, I saw an ad in a magazine for a restaurant touting "American-Size Portions." Now I'll be the first to admit that we Americans are typically a bigger people compared to our Hobbit-like British cousins, but I hardly think we wrote the book on hearty portions. I mean look at Henry VIII ... he definitely appreciated a big ol' turkey leg.
We Americans, though, do understand the joys of a buffet. It doesn't even have to be good food. Just slap a sign on the door saying "All-You-Can-Eat" and we'll pretty much eat anything. Trust me on this. I've eaten the $2.99 lunch buffet at Circus Circus in Vegas.
I like to say that I go to buffets because I like to try a variety of things but the real reason, and I think Blake will agree with me, is soft-serve ice cream. I am a total whore for ice cream. We will rate a buffet by the quality of their soft serve. "The ice cream is a little beige today," I might say. "They must have changed the formula."
Anyway, lately I've started to get a little disillusioned by buffets. Maybe it's because I've realized that the food at a Chinese take-out place is much better than what's on a buffet or maybe it's because I'm like 20-pounds overweight ... ok 30.
So this is my plan. I have 2 and a half months before I move to London. I figure I should be able to at least lose 10 pounds by then. So no more buffets ... even if their ice cream is really good.

London Calling ...

2005-03-22T15:32:00.000-05:00

The more I thought about this blog business the more I realized that the people reading this probably already know my back story. For those of you who don't, here is the Reader's Digest version: About 18 months into my relationship with my significant other (don't we look cute?), he informed me that he was being transferred to London for 2 years and wanted me to join him. This was not the easiest decision for me to make for a variety of reason that I won't go into here. Several months later, he is already in London and I'm awaiting the sale of my house.
Well, I finally got an offer a couple days ago. I wasn't thrilled with the offer, mind you, but it probably was the best offer I was gonna get. One of the drawbacks was that we wouldn't close the deal until late May because the lesbian who bought the house wasn't going to start her job in Louisville until July. But I'm trying to look on the bright side ... that gives me two months to get everything together as well as plenty of time to hang out with my friends.
Anyway, I hope to share my experiences leading up to the big move as well as life in London, which I'm sure will be an adventure whatever happens. :)

Who is The Net Dog?

2005-03-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

Let me start off by saying that I have no idea why I'm doing this ... but it seems like everybody is blogging these days and I'm nothing if not a sheep. Is sheep singular? Can you have one sheep? Oh well something to research I guess.
If you are reading this (and I hope you are), you're probably wondering why I'm The Net Dog. It's not as interesting as you might think ... or maybe you didn't think anything in which case the reason is more interesting than what you thought. Anyway, after high school I got a job at the Courier-Journal, which used to be a well-thought of newspaper in Louisville, KY but now is just another Gannett clone. For 10 years I worked in the news library as a research technician ... which is a fancy way of saying "librarian" (kinda like how garbage men are sanitation engineers). Basically it was my job to research anything and everything for the reporters and even the public (for a fee, of course).
I think I was pretty good at my job. I prided myself on being able to find anything so when AOL came along and I was looking for a cool screenname I came up with The Net Dog because I was like a bloodhound when it came to finding things on the net. See? I told you it wasn't very interesting. Most people thought it was something dirty ...
Anyway, I left the CJ after I finally graduated from college and took a job as a programmer at UPS. Well, let's just say that the rather rigid corporate environment at UPS was not my cup of tea so I took a job with a smaller shipping company. The more relaxed enviroment (blue jeans instead of suits and ties) suited me much better and I've been there for the past 5 years.
That is going to change very soon ...

To be continued ...